Something Eternal

I'm back. Oh my, it feels so good to be back. It's been a little while since you last heard from me. My last post was over a year ago, about my decision to serve a mission. The first sentence went something like this:

           "...throughout my time in the church, people's advice has often been, "It'll happen when you least expect it." I thought they were talking about love. I didn't know they were talking about my mission. Here is what I know: Heavenly Father has a sense of humor..." 

Well my testimony of Heavenly Father having a sense of humor is still very strong, however my testimony of His timing and His hand in all things has become even stronger. The week my call was going to be assigned and mailed to me, I got called to a different mission. An eternal mission. His name is Kade. To some people it happened really fast, but to us the foundation was being built the whole time we have known each other. As Kade and I look back, we can see that Heavenly Father had been preparing us both, and when our timing synced with His timing, it came like a whirlwind and it hit us like a ton of bricks. Life happens fast and it is so sweet. 

I decided to write this post about our story not as an update, but to write our story for us and our babies so that when life gets crazy, as it does, Kade and I will remember simple times, and the early days of our friendship growing into deep forever love, and so our kids will one day be able to read about this little chapter from our family's eternal story, and no matter what age they are, they will know with a surety that their mommy loved their daddy, and their daddy loved their mama. And hopefully, just as importantly, they will be able to recognize the hand of the Lord in our family, and they will grow a deeper testimony of His presence in their lives. The Lord truly prepared Kade and I for each other, and blessed us with an incredible foundation so that in His time, we would be able to build something eternal on that. 

So here's a little bit about this love of mine...

The first time we met was at a church Christmas party. It was actually December 9, 2011. Scary I know that right? I had to search through Facebook pictures to know that. #facebookstalker. Kade was attending church at his branch across town, and I was going to my own young single adult ward. My friends wanted me to stop by their branch Christmas party on my way home from work that night, and even though I wasn't in the mood, something swayed me to stop by. I'll never forget seeing Kade for the first time. I saw him from across the room (literally) and thought he was easily the most handsome man I'd ever seen. Color me intimidated. He was this handsome tall deep voiced Marine with the most gorgeous smile and kind eyes - and there I was, wearing all black thanks to the universal makeup artist dress code, with like eight different tester shades of lipstick on my hand, swollen feet, hair looking all sorts of lion-esque, and not the sexy kind of lioness hair but the kind that makes you assume it was just feeding time - I'm sure I just looked like a piece of work, awesome! But after the initial intimidation, we actually talked and I was amazed that this handsome guy was actually really down to earth, funny, and young at heart. And he thought I was funny! Could you imagine? I always remembered that encounter and how quickly we clicked, but chalked it up to it probably just the holiday spirit in the air, and us both hopped up on sugar cookies. 

And so it began. We didn't know it of course at the time, but that's the night I met the man I would marry.

So we met, and life rolled on. We saw each other at parties, friends houses, or church activities. Nothing really came of it for a while. And then one night we saw each other at a party and started talking. We exchanged numbers and he mentioned that we should go to Disneyland sometime. One thing to know about Kade - he is obsessed with Disney. Before I knew it he was picking me up at work and we were driving up to Disneyland. The normal hour and a half drive ended up taking about three hours - we accidentally took a very long detour through the mountains, that ended up being really great talking time. The night was great, and on the way home I was particularly grateful for my new friend. We found we could talk to each other about everything, and never lose conversation. On the drive home I opened up to him and told him the whole story about losing my dad. It all just kind of came out like one long run on sentence, and I couldn't help but get emotional. I was kind of lost in the memories and became really aware of my emotions pouring out and looked over at him to apologize for everything happening - and noticed he was crying. And it hit me - he was really listening. For some reason that really struck me. I was so grateful to have someone I could really talk to, who genuinely wanted to know me, and be a part of my life. That conversation always stayed with me.

The next week we ended up at the same house party, and spent the entire party by ourselves outside talking to each other about a lot of different things, but mostly about the future and the kind of life we wanted, the kinds of family we wanted, goals, spiritual goals and so on. We were both shocked that we had found someone who wanted pretty much exactly the same things out of life, and pretty much agreed on how we wanted to obtain them. I had never met someone who wanted kids as bad as I did, and who wanted the same kind of home and lifestyle I wanted.

Fast forward a bit, Kade was leaving for a shorter deployment to Afghanistan and never having known a Marine, I didn't really understand, all I knew was he was leaving and that I was sad about it. Despite him staying in contact with me during his trip across the world, I felt a loneliness knowing we weren't in the same place anymore. His deployment was the start of us realizing some real feelings were there. We wrote emails back and forth everyday, his emails were always long and detailed and we learned a lot about each other during that time. He would text me when he had service and when he had time. I loved getting those letters everyday and learning so much about him. When we started dating he told me he looked forward to hearing from me more than anyone, and when he wouldn't get an email for a little while or if I was taking too long to write back he'd be kind of mad! Oh, Kade. I'll always be grateful for that time, even though I was more grateful to have him home.

Soon it was my birthday. I was at work and this guy trying to disguise his deep voice called my work phone asking for the address where I worked. I immediately recognized it was Kade but didn't let on that I knew, I didn't want to ruin his surprise. A few hours later there was a gorgeous bouquet of flowers sitting on my desk from Kade. I felt so special - I had never received flowers from a guy. My mom's good friend from high school owned the flower shop with his wife and daughter who ended up making the flowers and delivering them. She told me how he sounded nervous on the phone when ordering the flowers, and how he kept bumping up the price to make them more beautiful. I told her that I liked this guy and we squealed like a couple of dorks. She ended up doing the flowers for our wedding, and it was always so special that she was a part of one of our earliest memories together. 

Thanksgiving 2012 he spent with my family and I. That was the first time my family really met Kade and got to know him. My family knew I had feelings for him, but they also knew we were best friends. But they still had to grill him a bit. He obviously passed with flying colors, they loved him, and were grateful I had found such a good friend. Later that night, Kade and I drove my grandma home. My grandma and Kade talked, and I couldn't help but notice how sweet he was with her. He helped me walk her into her house, get her ready for bed, and waited for me while I tucked her in. The next day she called me and told me how much she loved Kade, and that I was going to marry that man someday. She never lets us forget that she knew. Touché Nanny!

From then on we really were best friends. We were together all the time, talked a lot during the day, went to parties and activities together, spend time with mutual friends, and spent quality time just enjoying each other and spending time together. We had learned to really rely on each other and grew to really trust each other. I really grew to love this man, and before I knew it, I realized I was starting to fall in love with him.

That Christmas ended up being more special than we realized it would. At this point in our friendship it was kind of like we were those annoying friends you have who are basically dating but not admitting it to themselves or anyone else for that matter. We decided to get each other gifts, and I wanted to make mine really special. Kade is the kind of guy who everyone loves, I've never heard anyone say anything bad him except for their annoyance with his obsession with Disneyland which is stupid because Disneyland is awesome. Kade is the type of guy that people admire, they look up to him because he's just a really good guy with a really good heart who would do anything for anyone. The thing is, he just doesn't know it. He never has an attitude of "I'm a really good person..." which makes him that much greater. So I decided he needed to know how great everyone thinks he is. So over the course of a couple of weeks, I gathered videos of our friends individually saying things they love about Kade, or a time that he really helped them, and then I compiled it into one long video. I knew that it would be something he would always have, and could remember our times together and look back at them fondly. Little did I know one day we'll be watching it with our kids. We decided to exchange gifts right before he left to go to Utah for Christmas break to spend time at home with his family. His face when the video started playing was priceless. We both watched it and I'll admit, we were both teary eyed. He was so shocked which was the best part. After the video he told me he had to run out to his car to get my gift and told me to come with him. And there, outside in the dark, Kade pulled out the bike he had bought me. I couldn't believe he bought me a bicycle. My family spent years trying to teach me how to ride a bike and I was a chump and always chicken. He handed me a homemade coupon book he had made for riding lesson coupons to teach me to ride a bike. My family ran back outside with me, and watched this sweet guy put together my Christmas gift with his tool set, in the rain. I was hooked.

So there I was, in love with the best friend I'd ever had. I had no clue what I was doing with my life, but I knew one thing - I needed to go to the Temple. I needed perspective, I needed guidance, I needed to have a conversation with my Father in Heaven about my life. He would know exactly what I needed to do.

So while Kade was on break in Utah, I went to the Temple. I asked Heavenly Father what I was supposed to do with my life, and He definitely told me. Heavenly Father made it very clear I should prepare to go on a mission. Not the answer I was looking for, or expecting. Over the next couple of days I had come to terms with this new revelation in my life, and I knew I needed to tell Kade when he got home. Before he came home, I told him that when he got home there was something I needed to tell him. I was nervous about his reaction but I knew it would be good, and that he would be supportive. He later revealed to me that the whole drive home from Utah he was nervous and scared that I was going to tell him that I got a boyfriend over the Christmas break, and I guess it really freaked him out. So my news about a mission was a happy surprise. He of course was supportive, but at this point things got really interesting.

My mission papers were in, and it was becoming real. Everything was so unknown, but I held strong to the answer I received from Heavenly Father because I knew He would never steer me in the wrong direction. I knew that He knew the deepest desires of my heart and that if I followed Him it would all work out in the way that would bring me the most happiness. So I continued to prepare for a mission. I think it was becoming really real for Kade that I was in fact leaving because he had started to become a little distant. One Thursday night we were together in the Temple, he was waiting to do baptisms and I was across the room by the font helping with towels. I could tell something was on his mind and that something was bothering him, and I felt helpless not being able to fix it, so I did the only thing I really knew how to do and I walked to the hallway in a private quiet corner, and said a prayer for him. Without knowing, at that exact moment Kade was also saying a prayer. Without knowing what he was praying about, I prayed for him that he would be able to fully express his desires and emotions to Heavenly Father and be open to whatever Heavenly Father's guidance was. Kade had been praying about what path to take with his life. During his prayer he had a vision sort of experience where he looked up from his prayer and saw me standing there. While seeing me during his prayer, Heavenly Father told Kade that he needed to really date, and that I was the kind of girl he should be dating. After this sweet moment with Heavenly Father, he closed his prayer, opened his eyes and there I was, really standing there. His heart had been prepared for a while, but now for the first time his eyes were opened. 

We decided we should go to dinner and talk about things that were on our mind. At dinner I expressed my thoughts of him becoming distant and he agreed that deep down he was pushing me away to make it easier for me to leave. We had a wonderful dinner together laughing and talking and we hung out the rest of the night. I was strangely aware that things were somehow changing in our relationship, but I didn't really know what it all meant or where this would lead. After we started dating, he told me that dinner was when he knew he had strong feelings for me. He said he sat across the table from me all night thinking of how beautiful he thought I was. Tender right?

Somehow during a conversation over texting, he told me there was something he needed to tell me, he just needed to find the right time. In my crazy girl brain, I made myself think he was going to tell me he knew I was in love with him, and that for the sake of my mission and our wonderful friendship, that we needed to not see each other so much and that I needed to focus on my mission. I was prepared for heartache, but decided to just accept whatever happened. Of course being a man, he dangled it over my head for days. So, being an impatient woman I begged him to just tell me what he was feeling and of course being a man he begged me to chill out. So I let it go and continued to prepare. 

And then one night, the tides changed forever.

After a long day at work, I decided to just put my phone on silent, do some girly pampering, take a long shower, and just veg out. For some reason I looked at my phone and noticed unread texts and a missed call from Kade. By this time is was pretty late but I called him back. He asked me what I was doing, and told me he was outside my house, and asked if I could come outside and take a drive with him and talk. He was at my house? This must be important. Ugh, here it came - the heartbreak. I had wet hair, no makeup, and was in sweatpants. Awesome, salt in the wound. Our friend Lily called me right after I hung up with Kade asking if I had talked to him yet. I was so confused. I told her I was just about to run outside to talk to him and told her I was freaking out. She shrieked excitedly and told me to run, not walk, outside and that it wasn't bad news at all. What I didn't know was that Kade decided that night while at a church activity with our friends that he needed to tell me once and for all about his feelings and that first he needed a big old pep talk from our good friends. Kade poured out his heart about how he felt for me to our friends Lily and David, and both of them knowing my feeling for Kade, told him that he needed to drive straight to my house and tell me everything. Kade was so nervous so he said a prayer with them before leaving to come to my house. 

So with that hope in my heart, I ran outside and got in his car. I had never felt so unattractive, and as I looked at him sitting there I had never seen him look more handsome. He started nervously eating an apple and randomly driving everywhere and anywhere. We chit chatted for a while, made pleasant conversation, and I could tell he was nervous so I tried to be kind and patient. But he was killing me! Finally I told him to just spill it.

"Nicole, how long have we been friends?"

Here it comes, the heartache. Prepare yourself heart, you're about to get worked.

"Ummm...over a year..."

"Right. Well during the whole time we've been friends, I've always known you were beautiful. I've always known you were spiritual. I've always known you were funny. I've always known you were amazing. What I didn't know was if a girl like you would ever go for a guy like me..."

Heart skips a beat...heart completely stops...breathe Nicole, don't mess this up!

I couldn't believe this was happening. This is what I had wanted for so long, but didn't let myself even think about so that I could protect this sensitive heart of mine. All these things were running through my mind, while poor Kade sat there quietly waiting for me to say something. I was silent and he was getting nervous. Somehow through the shock and trying to understand what was going on, I told him I had pretty much always had feelings for him, and of course I'd want to date my best friend. He grabbed my hand, and in that instant he was forever my person, we were home. As we drove around that night hand in hand, I looked outside my window at the moon and the stars, and all I could think was "thank you Heavenly Father." When he dropped me back off at my house, I asked him what his heart wanted. I was preparing for a mission here and I wasn't going to stay home to just date. I was only going to stay home for a serious prospect, if it was right. I told him to think about what he really wanted, and that we needed to figure it out pretty soon. Being a girl I had to over complicate it. To him it was simple, he already knew he was in love with me and wanted to marry me. He wasn't letting me go anywhere.

From then on, things happened really fast. We turned our hearts over to Heavenly Father and there was no stopping us.

March 13th - That wonderful drive where he spilled his guts, and I got butterflies.

March 14th - We made it official. 
We went to my friend's wedding with me, where he sat with me and my friends listening to our girl talk all night, was a complete gentleman, and impressed the heck out of my friends. That night in the car we had the hilarious "DTR" (define the relationship) talk and he told me he already thought we had that the night before and clarified that yes he was mine, and I was his. 

March 15th - Our first real date. 

Dinner and movies. We ended up both falling asleep hand in hand and snuggled up in the movie theater. We were an old married couple before we were married.

March 16th - Our first kiss, I love yous, and decided on forever. 
At this point I needed to let my Bishop know about what I wanted to do about my mission because my call was being assigned that week. On my lunch break I called Kade and we decided that I would put my papers on hold for a couple of weeks until we figured out what we were going to do. After we got off the phone, Kade had a spiritual experience and received personal revelation that he should continue down this path we were on. He already knew what he wanted, but now he knew that it was right. That night we went and got food and sat in his car in the parking lot talking until the early hours of the morning. It was a special conversation, an honest conversation, and Kade did most of the talking. That night was the night he told me he loved me, and that he wanted to marry me. We talked about our future, a family, and before I left, Kade told me to consider us pre-engaged. We couldn't believe this was actually happening, but you have never seen two people with bigger smiles. 

March 17th - Church and a drive. 

We went to his branch and met with his Branch President to get his blessing about us getting married, then we went straight to my ward to meet with my Bishop to get his blessing as well. We told my Bishop to call Salt Lake and put my papers on hold indefinitely. I didn't want to get my call because once I saw where the Lord assigned me to serve, I would immediately love those people and would have a hard time not going. I don't know who was happier - us, or these two men who had watched us grow so much over the years and knew their "kids" had found their eternal companion.

March 18th - We found the ring.
I tried on three different rings, in two different stores, and the third ring I tried on was the winner. When I was single I thought I'd be a lot more high maintenance and picky while choosing a ring but during the shopping process I just wanted a ring that I could look at and see me and Kade and give me feeling of warmth and a future. It didn't take long after all.

April 7th - I said yes!

July 20th - Eternally mine, eternally his.

I would like to note, being from Utah, Kade grew up around the Mormon culture of everything moving fast with love and especially engagements. He would make fun of those couples. Being a convert myself, I never understood the quick pace of love and engagements. We both thought "No, never...that won't be me!" Well we've eaten our words, we get it now, we've been humbled, we'll never judge love again!

So that was that. In a matter of a week we went from being best friends, to best friends in love, headed to the Temple to be sealed for time and all eternity. It came together so fast, but nothing had ever felt so right. I was so humbled that this man I had grown to like, respect, admire, and fall in love with, wanted me to be his wife and to be with me for eternity. Little ol' me!

I do know one thing about this story of ours, and I think it is something really important that I needed to learn - throughout my time dating and trying to prepare myself to meet someone some day, I thought more about what I wanted, and didn't take Heavenly Father into consideration as much as I should have. There were many times where I thought I knew what I wanted, or thought I knew what I was doing. I know that night in the Temple where I received the answer to prepare for a mission, that the answer I received was less about a mission and more about my willingness to take upon His will and forget my own. I know that Heavenly Father never would have blessed me with Kade unless I had come to that point where I was out of answers and just wanted to do whatever Heavenly Father wanted me to do, and I was willing to sacrifice what I wanted for what He wanted - which was ultimately what I had wanted all along. We receive many blessings in our lives. They come as miracles, they come as tender mercies, but all are granted to us from a loving Heavenly Father wanting us to recognize His hand in our lives, and hold onto the reality that He is real, and the hope that we will be with Him again someday. I also have learned that no blessing is worth having unless it goes through His hands first, because those are the moments that permeate our souls. Kade went through His hands to get to me, and I know that we were brought together for a greater purpose, and that Heavenly Father was the author of our love story. His hands make things sacred and blessed. He intertwined our lives together so perfectly, and so simply, and I'll always be grateful for the way Heavenly Father prepared us for each other, that He provided us with such a solid and special foundation, and that when we look back at our life together, we'll be able to see His hand in all things.

When two imperfect people join their lives and hearts together of course their marriage won't be perfect, and to aspire for a perfect marriage will always leave you feeling short handed. What I do know is that I chose my love, and I love my choice. A marriage sealing is one day, one moment, but everyday in marriage you have to wake up and choose each other all over again. To love is to allow your walls to be broken, to realize things about yourself and to rebuild yourself how the Lord intended you to be. We are still young and learning, we don't know a lot, but we are dedicated to each other, our family, and our faith and to me that is the marking of a happy marriage and a happy life.