I'm lying in my new bed, in my new home, in my new state, in my new reality wondering how my life has completely changed in one tiny weekend. My daddy had been sick for a couple weeks, with promise of recovery and full rehabilitation. I was able to hold his hand every morning, and every night, talking to him, whispering prayers in his ear, stroking his hair, waiting for daddy kisses, hoping for one of his famous jokes to come swiftly, praying every second I wasn't with him. Details are too hard to explain, too precious for a simple story, but they haunt me in the night. He couldn't talk very well. But when I needed him to tell me it was okay to move for school, miraculously he could speak. "You have a bright future. You should be in Utah. I will come visit you. And remember, I am always where you are, and you are always where I am." I felt confident I could continue in my plans to go to school, and was already planning a trip home 3 weeks later.
Then it came. The call I will never forget.
My roommates and I were shopping for candles and matches for our apartment since we moved in on a saturday and were unaware the electricity and hot water wouldn't be turned on until Tuesday. We were deciding between vanilla or pear when I noticed mom calling over and over.
"Hi mama!"
Sobs through the phone.
"Mom, what's wrong? Is it dad?!"
"Baby, he's taken a turn for the worse."
"Is he okay?"
"No honey, he's not."
"Is he going to be okay? Is he going to die?"
More sobs.
I drop my purse, and yell for Kristin, in the next aisle. Her face turned white. I didn't even need to say a word. I ran to the nearest empty spot, a dark spot, filled with tires and car accessories, where no one could see me.
"Mom, I'll fly home tonight. How long does he have?"
"Less than an hour."
I sat there in the dark corner of the Orem Walmart, and had to say goodbye to my daddy over the phone. I told him about the love his Savior and Father in Heaven have for him. I told him how much I loved him, how I knew we would be together again, how he would be at peace. I told him to go be with Papa, to meet me in my dreams for daddy daughter dates, that mommy and I would be okay. I told him to remember I would be wherever he was, and he would be wherever I am. The phone cut out. Mom called back, he was gone.
My daddy is gone. Never again will I buy him a Father's Day card, or hold his hand, or roll my eyes and his cheesy jokes, or cover my ears when he embarrasses me in public, or give him bear hugs, or admire his amazing head of hair, or see the twinkle in his golden green eyes, or talk on the phone with him for hours, or get his advice about a boy, or vent to him about school, or cry to him in the middle of the night about my homesickness.
I am numb.
I am distracted.
I am shocked and in denial.
I am at peace.
I am mad.
I am confused.
I miss him so much it actually hurts. My heart aches. I can hold on to the blessings I have received through this trial, and focus my energy on those to get me through the day.
I have never felt such an outpouring of love and support.
Right after, we got a hotel room. I couldn't be in my apartment. Everything there reminded me of him. I needed someplace sterile, someplace neutral. At that moment, all I wanted was to be wrapped up in Katie and Kristin's arms, watching brainless movies, forgetting what had just happened. So we went. Janet, Randy and Kade Hamel drove down from Salt Lake to hold me. Janet, my Utah mom, just held me and let me cry. Kade cuddled perfectly into my body, making me feel safe and loved. Randy gave me an amazing blessing, reminding me of the eternal perspective and the love our Father in Heaven has for His children. Katie's mom and brother Niles came to the hotel armed with armfuls of diet coke, ice cream, candy, magazines, and everything a girl could want. We sat and talked, cried, laughed, told stories and kept my mind off the night's events.
It has been 2 days and it's surreal. Up here at school, I am busy. I don't have time to sit and think. I don't have time to focus on my pain or to mourn. It comes in waves. Sometimes I am fine and can laugh and enjoy the bounty of Utah with my friends. Then it hits me. And I get angry. Or I can't control the tears. And my mom is there to listen and offer my heart peace and love and perspective and warmth. And my roommates are there to keep me company, and love me and hug me and hold me. And Heavenly Father is there to answer my pleas, to wrap his love around me, to fill my soul with quiet peace. And Jesus Christ is there to remind me of His Atonement and to remind me that He felt everything and that I am not alone. And my daddy is there to hug me even though I can't see him. He is more a part of my life now, that he was here on Earth.
I started a journal for him when he went into the hospital. I wrote every detail of visits, conversations I had with his friends and loved ones, his progress, little lessons I was learning through this, etc. My plan was to put it in a book after and give it to him so he could be a part of this. Here is a short letter I wrote him at the beginning of the journal. It brings me peace.
Dear Daddy,
So much has been happening since you’ve been in the hospital, I decided to start a journal for you. I want to show you the progress you’ve made, to show you how strong you are when you forget. I want to show you the love everybody feels for you, when you are feeling lonely. I want to show you the miracles Heavenly Father is giving us, when your faith is being tried.
Let me start by saying how much I love you. I feel like I need to apologize. I’ve taken you for granted. When you’re young, you don’t understand that your parents are human. I had this idea in my head of what a dad is, what the perfect dad says and perfect dad does, and I feel like I held you to an impossible standard. No one is perfect. You are who you are. You are human. You make mistakes, you never got a parent handbook on how to be perfect. I was resentful and mad at you for so long because of your drinking. I put up an tremendous wall because I didn’t want to get too close to you to get hurt. But my wall has come crumbling down through this process. I have been humbled and I truly feel like this trial in our lives is a blessing because my heart has been softened. I am not mad anymore dad. I just love you. I just want you in my life. I want to make up for lost time. I am sorry for ever being short with you, for not calling as much as I should have, for not being the best daughter I could have to you. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt. I am sorry. I just need you to know how much I love you. I love you so much daddy.
Daddy, I will make a list of the things I have learned so far from this experience. I’m sure the list will grow.
-Prayer works. There are so many people praying for you. I absolutely know that you have made the progress you have due to the hundreds of people praying for you. Your family, my family, your friends, mom’s friends, our family’s friends, people in our church, etc. We call the Temple everyday to put your name on the prayer roll.
-You are my dad and will always be my dad. I need you. Dad, I want you to walk me down the aisle one day.
-I have become a much more softer person. After Papa died, I closed myself off to everyone, especially family. I held everything in, not wanting to let people see how I feel because I didn’t want to be vulnerable. Then the morning after I visited you in the hospital, I laid in bed thinking, “Nicole, you now have a choice to make. You can make this easy on yourself and once again shut everyone out, so that you cannot feel the pain of seeing your dad like this and stay a bitter, hard person, or you can take this experience, soak it all up and become the person God wants you to be. It may be hard, you might cry a lot, but it will be worth it and your family needs you.” I chose to let my guard fully down. It was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. And I’ve been so blessed because of it.
I don't understand this. I don't want this. I am heartbroken. But, my dad is free. He is happy and is with me everyday. I'll have my good days and my bad days. I have no answers right now. All I have is my faith. I am clinging to it. My faith, my friends, my family, and my future is how I get out of bed in the morning. I can begin with that.
And now, I have a dream date with my daddy...
