A week ago tonight I was laying on the floor of Walmart with my roommates by my side, saying goodbye to my dad for the last time. I've been numb the past week, making sure every second of my day was filled with something, whether is be school, helping my roommates unpack, a hot shower, buying music I don't really need online, making my bed for the fourth time that day, taking a walk around provo, driving around to a new cd, buying school supplies I already have, renting loads of movies from redbox...well, you get the idea. I've made sure I have someone around me as much as possible. I hate being alone right now, which is weird because I usually count my day down until I can have "Nicki time." The numb feeling is wearing off faster than it came on. I'm not prepared for this. I just got over grieving the death of my papa, and now it's starting all over.
I'm exhausted.
I'm mad.
I'm heartbroken.
I miss my dad.
I just called his house. I knew his voicemail would come on; I just wanted to hear his voice again. At first it brought peace to my heart, and I won't lie, 1% of me hope he would pick up the phone and call me his baby girl again.
This brings on a new dimension to faith. Usually you think of faith as something you can't see, but you know is there, referring to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. But now I have to cling to my faith, knowing my dad is here with me, even though I can't see him. Maybe it's harder because the veil has made me forget what Heavenly Father is like, only feeling sparks of familiarity when I feel the Spirit. But my dad was so familiar. I knew every speck of gold in his eyes, every gray hair in his thick head of black hair, every smile, every laugh, every squeeze of his hand, every silly joke, every kiss on my cheek, every hug, just everything.
I'm not a person that believes in regrets. I always promised myself I'd never carry those burdens with me, never believed in the idea of regrets. But now that I have them, I see they're not an idea. They're a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach that make you feel like you could've done more. I should have called my dad more. I should have hugged him more. I should have held his hand when he offered it. I should have been more patient with him. I should have put myself in his shoes and related to him a lot sooner. That's something I'm alway going to have to live with.
I have to remind myself not to dwell, and to keep moving forward. But I want to allow myself these feelings because keeping them inside will only break me down more in the long run.
If you're reading this, and your dad is still with you, tell him how much you love him. Even if he's made mistakes, even if you're always having to be the adult, even if you just don't want to, even if you feel he already knows, just tell him.
My roommates just found me in a ball of tears on Nyles' bed. How do they always have the perfect timing? I know that through all this craziness, through all the confusion, through all the trials, we were brought into each other's lives for a reason. I would be an absolute mess without them. They always know what to say, know when to hug me, know when to hold my hand, know when I need to cuddle, know when I can't be alone, know when I need to sleep in their bed, know when we need to pray, they just know. And I know the spirit is guiding them. We all felt before we even knew we were going to be together, that this year, for some reason was going to be an amazing year. A year of growth, of trials, of big and happy surprises, and whatever else life throws at us. We all came to provo this year having some sort of problem or circumstance that requires a little extra support, a little extra understanding, a little extra love. It's funny that we all are living together, and can focus on helping each other become stronger, and better people. We are a united front, and I know that this is what Heavenly Father would define as true sisterhood.
I'm going to get through this.
We're going to get through this.
Tomorrow is a new day.
Kristin is sleeping in my bed tonight. We're listening to Abide With Me 'Tis Eventide. For some reason, I know dad is with me. If I could imagine him saying anything to me right now, it would be "Forget the little things, the little regrets nagging your mind. I know everything you're wanting to say to me now. You will laugh again, you will smile again. The sun will rise with a new day tomorrow, and my heart will always be with yours. Go live your life, your future is a bright one. And tell mommy, you're MY pookie."
And most of all, I think he would tell me to give my burdens and heartbreaks to Jesus Christ, and that He will take care of my heart.
