Today was mom's birthday. It was weird not having you around. I miss you a lot Daddy. I miss talking to you, and our wonderful conversations. Sometimes I miss you so much I feel like I can't breathe. The sting of your absence leaves more and more everyday, but I know I'm never going to stop missing you, or wanting you here.
We've been at your house a lot lately. Mom and I worked the entire weekend on getting your house ready to put on the market. Our whole kitchen is filled with boxes of treasures we found in your house. I've been pretty brave lately, putting my game face on and trying not to cry at everything that reminds me of you. We were sitting on your couch looking at the progress we've made, when Bill came upstairs to help us with your sliding glass door that hates me-the feeling is mutual :) Anyway, Bill asked me about your guitar and who had it, and then told me how you used to borrow his guitar to write songs about me that you wanted to play me one day. The bravery lost in that moment. Bill said it was one of those things I never would have known, so he knew he had to tell me. Thanks daddy, for loving me so much you wanted to sing about it.
Sometimes I talk to you out loud, and wonder if you can hear me. Sometimes I still call your house, wanting you to answer. Sometimes mom and I go downstairs and listen to the voice mails that are saved on our answering machine. Sometimes I wonder if you're with my babies right now, you and Papa teaching them all sorts of funny jokes and pranks that will completely annoy mom and I, but make us laugh. Sometimes I wonder if you knew you were sick the whole time, but were too scared to tell us. Sometimes I really just wish you were here to tell me it will all be okay, to make your famous meatball while you let me tell you about boys, or school, and tell me what to do with my life. Sometimes I wish you were going to be able to dance with me at my wedding. Sometimes when I can't sleep at night, I read your old letters and look at your wedding album to mom. Sometimes when I'm at your house, I open all the windows and doors, lay on the floor and listen to the wind blow and wonder if it's you. Sometimes in the middle of the night I have nightmares of you in the hospital, and have to sleep with mommy. Sometimes I get mad at myself for always getting embarrassed at your jokes and wish I could go back and just laugh at them and live in the moment with you. Sometimes you come to me in my dreams, and I wake up with a smile on my face that lasts all day. Sometimes when something is bothering me, or on my mind, you come to me while I'm sleeping and tell me what to do. Sometimes I wonder if you know who I'm going to marry, and are leading me to him right now. Sometimes when I'm in the car at a stoplight, I stare at the picture I have of you as a little boy that I keep on my dashboard. Sometimes I wonder if I loved you enough, and hope that you know how much you mean to me. But most of the time...I remember that you're my dad for eternity, and thank Heavenly Father for eternal families, because it reminds me that although you're gone for right now, I'll see you and hug you again, and we'll have an eternity to be daddy and daughter.
I love you Daddy.
