If you could see me right now, you would think it was the most ridiculous sight you've ever seen. It's 3:30 am, and I'm outside on our front patio drinking ice cold water in the 80 degree night air, eating a cold piece of pepperoni pizza, while my puppies hunt for lizards and play in the bushes. Buddy, my most loyal companion, is asleep on my feet, with his old white face and white paws, loving me even while he dreams. As random as it is, it's quite nice. No noises. Just the crickets chirping and the slight whistle of air dancing under the moon. The night sky is dark navy and the stars are out tonight, shining like diamonds in the sky. There aren't any clouds in the sky, just occasional brush strokes of muted white stripes that used to be clouds. As I look up at the sky, two stars burn brighter than any other. One is a little bigger, one a little more new perhaps. It makes me think of Papa and my dad. I wonder what they're doing up there. Oh no-I wonder what they're teaching my children. I'll find out eventually. They won't be able to tell me of course, but one day they will do something that is perfectly and exactly Ron and Pierre, and I'll know. And while I should probably get a look of frustration or disappointment on my face, I know it will quickly fade into a smile and silent laugh and I'll save those stories for later, when they'll understand what just happened.
The air is hot, with a refreshing cold breeze running through it. It feels like October. Suddenly I am that teenage girl laying on our driveway under the liquid amber trees that start in deep red and fade to yellow. I always remember October in that house because fall had just peeked in and welcomed us warmly. Those October nights looked like tonight, smelled like tonight. I think of that young girl, so naive and innocent and think about my life so far and all the things I would tell that girl if I could. I think of that perfect little house on Corazon Place and my heart aches a little bit. Those were the happiest times of my life. My grandparents, my mom and I all under one roof. Everything you could hope and want for your childhood I had in that house. Life gets more complicated the older you get. Maybe it's just these "20's" that are so confusing. I long for the days of Corazon more than I would like to admit. Things change quickly now. I think I always assumed I would be that little girl nestled safely in the arms of life. But it's not so. Life is teaching me, and quickly. There are few moments when I'm in my comfort zone anymore. but these moments are necessary. They are giving me a crash course in life. But sometimes, like tonight, I let myself feel Corazon again. When we were all together. When life was close to perfect. It wasn't perfect of course, but all my memories seem to tell is that tale. Sometimes I drive down that street and sit in my car looking at the house, reliving that house. It looks so different now it's almost unrecognizable. But I see it. I see it's bones and know it's heart. I see the grass where my liquid ambers used to be, and the stained glass window that let the sun shine into my grandparents room every morning. I see the off white trim that used to hold our christmas lights, and the rod iron gate that welcomed every friend. I see the rose bushes that lined the atrium that gave fresh blooms to our bedrooms everyday. I wonder if the family living in that house, with their rv parked on the lawn and motorcycles in the garage, and fake grass on the lawn know how much love used to be in that house. How much joy those walls have known. I walk to the end of the culdesac, with the perfect view of Lake Hodges. I stand where the wood and rod iron bench used to be, that burned in those horrible fires. I touch the aloe plant that used to heal our sunburns.
Too many memories to list, but keep my heart full.
The ache fades away as I look at my two stars shining bright. One day I'll be able to give my little babies their own Corazon Place. I will know how to give it to them because I was blessed with a family that knew how important a Corazon Place would be to that little girl someday.
I know they say you can’t go home again
I just had to come back one last time
Ma’am I know you don’t know me from Adam
But these handprints on the front steps are mine
Up those stairs in that little back bedroom
Is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar
I bet you didn’t know under that live oak
My favorite dog is buried in the yard
I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me
Mama cut out pictures of houses for years
From Better Homes and Gardens magazine
Plans were drawn and concrete poured
Nail by nail and board by board
Daddy gave life to mama’s dream
I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me
You leave home and you move on and you do the best you can
I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am
I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I walk around I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me
