I created this blog while I was up at school in Provo as a way for me to journal and write, and share with my family what was going on in my life. I've always been into writing. Besides music and art, it's the way for me to express myself. Plus I sucked at writing in my journal every night. With the blog, I could journal quickly, and my family and I would be able to re-read everything whenever we wanted to. Sometimes I've been funny, sometimes spiritual, sometimes I wrote about things only I would understand, and sometimes maybe I shared too much. But in all things I've been honest. This post might fit under the "too much information"/""something only I would understand" category, but I've never been one to hold back my truth, so why start now?
I'm convinced I'm going through a quarter life crisis. I think it's just part of being this age. I'm definitely not the only person feeling this, in fact all my close friends and I are feeling it. Which in part is a blessing because we're able to help each other, lean on one another, and cheer each other on. I had plans for my life. By now I would be married and probably thinking about starting a family. I know without a doubt this year has been the hardest year of my life. Most things in my life have changed, and being one who doesn't adapt well to change, you can see the problem. Not all things have been bad, but they don't have to be bad to be hard right? Even the opportunity for growth still is uncomfortable sometimes. That's why it's called growth. For me growing opportunities aren't always in the form of change, such as moving...you know, something tangible like that. I've learned to become my own best friend, so I know I can adapt to a new place or situation. Lately for me, the growth has been with faith, hope, and patience.
I've cheated myself of those quiet moments alone to be able to meditate with myself, ponder my life, reflect on my life, and just be in the quiet. Tonight I made a point to sit and think about what I really needed right now. It's more than lifetime goals of eating right, exercising, finances, praying, going to church, etc. Of course those are important. But tonight it wasn't about that. It was more than that. I realized I haven't been living, I've been merely surviving. And I don't want to do it anymore. Life is to be lived! It's to be enjoyed. Whether you're single or married. Look at Sheri Dew. Girlfriend has figured it out.
I think I've finally snapped. Not crazy snapped...like a good snapped. Like ready to take control of my life and stop letting the past year affect me. Losing my dad has been hell. I won't play the victim card, but I won't lie either. I've never done this. Grief doesn't come with a handbook. Grief is a sneaky little thing that wakes you up in the middle of the night, sneak attacks you in the middle of the grocery store, stares at you through family pictures, haunts you in your dreams. It's hell. But it gets better. I'm turning a corner, I know that for sure. I'm starting to analyze myself from an outside perspective, which is good. It can only lead to growth and self improvement right? I'm a distant version of who I really am right now, and I need to get a grip already. It's more than a schedule to keep me busy, or going to church every sunday. I need a serious spiritual awakening, a boost. I need my own Eat, Pray, Love.
"Your treasure - your perfection - is within you already. But to claim it, you must leave the busy commotion of the mind and abandon the desires of the ego and enter into the silence of the heart."
While talking about losing my dad with my mom last night, she said something that at the time deeply annoyed me. She told me that we choose to be happy or we choose to be sad. Annoying. Who really wants to hear that? Like I really would choose to be sad about my dad. Grief isn't a choice. But, then tonight I had a moment of clarity. We were talking about old memories of family, home videos, etc, and I said, "Mom remember right after dad had surgery on his brain tumor, two days after he got out of the hospital he surprised me and came to my 8th grade graduation?" And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. This whole time, I shamefully admit I've been a little upset with Heavenly Father. It's normal, but still, not a welcomed feeling or one I've ever had. He knows about my feelings, well He knows everything, but still I've been very open and honest with Him. It wasn't a lack of love and faith in Heavenly Father, more a lack of understanding. Anyways, my mom and I talked about how intense dad's surgery was and we agreed that he was never the same after that. And then I realized, in reality, Heavenly Father didn't take my dad too early, He actually blessed me with more years with my dad. He should have died with the tumor, but Heavenly Father spared him for us. He gave me a precious gift. Although this spiritual message came from Heavenly Father, I am choosing to hold onto it, and finally am able to let go of the other emotions. Finally, a very big hole in my soul has been mended. My dad and I had some amazing conversations in those years Heavenly Father gave us. I'm so lucky to have had that extra time.
With that revelation, thus began the inward evaluation of myself tonight.
“Many of the great achievements of the world were accomplished by those tired and discouraged, who kept on working. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestation of your own blessings."
Out of this self reflective night tonight, I've come to four points:
1. I've made a list of personal flaws I can make better, and different areas I can improve upon and put more effort into.
2. I need to stop being so hard on myself, take one day at a time, and look at myself the way Heavenly Father sees me.
3. Tomorrow I'm calling my old horseback riding coach, and getting back in the saddle. Being a huge animal lover, I've been addicted to all things horses and riding since I was a really little girl. I peaked in my riding career at the end of high school, and then moved to Utah, so it took a backseat. I've always regretted not continuing. I know I'm talented, and have the passion, and sometimes I wonder where I would have been had I kept going. But no use looking back, time to move forward. I can't wait to start riding and competing like I used to.
4. I'm so sick of thinking about my own life, it's time for me to give back. Serious giving back. I need to gain some perspective, some humility, and realize how good I have it and how bright my future is. I've made it a goal to volunteer at home for the next three months until I move. I'll do my program in LA for 3 months. Then in June I'm going to go work with orphans in Africa on a two week expedition. Talking about Africa to my mom was a tiny bit of a battle. I know parents love their children to seek different cultural surroundings, go to humble places in order to gain more perspective and appreciation, travel and learn all the many things to learn. But I can understand the hesitation to have her daughter travel to a place stricken with AIDS and disease, poverty, violence, etc. I showed her pictures and videos of someone I knew who had gone to the same expedition, and I saw the tears in her eyes. She finally looked at me and asked me why this was so important to me to go be with the orphans. I said, "Mom, I have so much love to give...and no husband or children to give it to. Those orphans need me as much as I need them." She got it and gave me her blessing.
I don't know what the future holds, I don't know exactly where I'll go, all I know is that my future is an exciting one, and service will infuse that hope even deeper into my soul. Service heals every bit of doubt, pain, grief, loneliness, and lack of hope. I know Heavenly Father knows my intentions are pure and true, and that He will place me somewhere in this world that needs me as much as I need it. I'm knocking. Doors will be opened.
Tonight I texted my Bishop to ask if we could talk. Our Bishop in the Single's Ward is amazing. He is more like a dad to us. He's very involved in the details of our life, and is always willing to talk whenever and for however long we need him. Every time we talk, he continues to re-tell the story of Christ walking on the water. I don't mind hearing it over and over, it brings me comfort. Tonight after we talked he said, "Nicole I know you know that painting I have of Christ walking on the water in my office. It's my favorite. Do you know the story?" Of course he knows that I know it. But as a little girl asking her dad for a story I said, "...but Bishop, will you tell it to me again?" So he happily stayed on the phone with me and re-told that story that brought me renewed comfort.
And when he had sent the multitudes away, he went up into a mountain apart to pray: and when the evening was come, he was there alone.
But the ship was now in the midst of the sea, tossed with waves: for the wind was contrary.
And when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were troubled, saying, It is a spirit; and they cried out for fear.
And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.
And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus.
But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me.
And immediately Jesus stretched forth His hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?
And when they were come into the ship, the wind ceased.
Then they that were in the ship came and worshipped him, saying, Of a truth thou art the Son of God.
"Faith is walking face-first and full-speed into the dark. If we truly knew all the answers in advance as to the meaning of life and the nature of God and the destiny of our souls, our belief would not be a leap of faith and it would not be a courageous act of humanity; it would just be... a prudent insurance policy."
"President Gordon B. Hinckley believed in the healing power of service. 'Work will cure your grief. Serve others.' As we lose ourselves in the service of others, we discover our own lives and our own happiness. President Lorenzo Snow expressed a similar thought: 'When you find yourselves a little gloomy, look around you and find somebody that is in a worse plight than yourself; go to him and find out what the trouble is, then try to remove it with the wisdom which the Lord bestows upon you; and the first thing you know, your gloom is gone, you feel light, the Spirit of the Lord is upon you, and everything seems illuminated'".
Sometimes Christ comes to us in the first watch. But for most of us, I'm sure it feels like a constant fourth watch. We're waiting for the blessing of our hard work and obedience. We're waiting to see the proof that our hope and faith is not in vain. Sometimes Christ comes through opportunities, sometimes through miracles, sometimes through people, sometimes through tender mercies. But He does come.
