"We look back to claim the embers from glowing experiences but not the ashes. And when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we have experienced, then we look ahead and remember that faith is always pointed toward the future."
- Elder Jeffrey R. Holland
August holds two important anniversaries to me - without a doubt two days that have impacted my life the most so far - being baptized, and the passing of my dad. It's been almost three years since the passing of my dad and there are still days where I wake up a little heart broken that he's not here, or still some nights where I cry during my prayers because I miss him. BUT, thinking back on the last three years, and seeing how I've been able to create a "new normal" with the help of a loving Heavenly Father, a comforting Savior, and a supportive mom, it has been amazing to see how Heavenly Father and Christ can take a heart breaking experience and situation, and mold me more and more into who they want me to be through this experience. It has without a doubt taught me more about myself than any other experience in my life. It has also been amazing to see how Christ and Heavenly Father have blessed me with opportunities to help other people through my own experiences. Before any trial can come into our lives, it has to go through His hands first.
Last week in church, our Bishop explained Repentance to us in a way I had never heard before. I tend to be someone that worries a lot (I know most of you are rolling your eyes in sarcastic shock...) but the way Bishop explained repentance made me see the things going on in my life with new eyes...
Repentance: "...denotes change of mind, a fresh view about God, about oneself, about the world...a turning of the heart and will to God."
I realized that Sunday, sitting in Sacrament meeting after Bishop explained Repentance, that I was trying to control too much of my life, and that although it was great that I was trying to progress, I was not fully using the Will of Heavenly Father to help me do this. I was so confused why my life wasn't making sense at that point, and I realized what I really needed to do was stop trying to control everything, and repent. I was more aware of the tender mercies and blessings I've been given, than the little everyday trials I've been having.
One tender mercy in particular still stands fresh in my mind. I have only dreamt about my dad once since he's passed, which is okay because it makes those dreams more precious to me, and it also lets me know that when I do dream about my dad, it is real - it is a blessing from my Heavenly Father. The other night I had my second dream about my dad. I distinctly remember every detail as if it happened last night. I was in my bedroom alone, and across the hall I heard my dad's voice. I was curious and peeked into my mom's bedroom but instead of my dad, I saw my dad's twin brother, my Uncle Yves who has also passed. He was talking to my mom and laughing and smiling and looked amazing. He didn't really acknowledge me, he knew I was there but it was as if him being there wasn't important, like this experience was for someone else. I went back into my room, disappointed. A moment passed, and I heard my dad's voice again. But this time when I peeked into my mom's room I saw my dad peeking back with his huge smile I've always loved. It was him! I ran into my mom's room, into my dad's arms and we hugged and cried. Immediately he put his arms firmly on my shoulders and looked deep into my eyes with a concerned look and said, "Nicki, I know you are having a hard time, I see you trying to figure things out and holding on everyday, I know you are confused about your life right now, but you have to keep going, do you hear me? You keep going." I looked down and asked, "Dad, do you ever miss me?" He hugged me close, smiled and said, "Honey, I am too happy where I am to miss anyone." It was immediate peace. He then talked to me about my future husband, and things to come - the things he shared with me concerning my husband are too sacred to really talk about through a blog or really at all, but I'll never forget the things he told me, or that dream I had. It was so good to hear his voice again. That Sunday at church, I met with Bishop for a blessing and I told him about my dream. He said, "Nicole I really believe that was your dad. Heavenly Father told you everything He wanted you to know, but allowed you the blessing of having your dad be the one to tell you."
Another blessing has been able to work inside the Temple once a week after work. Tuesdays I go into work early and work from 8 to 4:30, and then drive over to the Temple and work from 5 to 10. Being able to serve in the Temple for five hours has been such a tender experience. Last Tuesday I was able to be a part of my first sealing ordinance. I've never even seen this ordinance before but have always anticipated the day that I'd be able to witness it. It was one of the most amazing sights I've ever seen, and to be able to be a proxy for someone on the other side was just incredible. I thought of those darling couples on the other side, who have waited to be sealed for time and all of eternity for so long, and was so honored to be a part of their special day. And then to be a part of children being sealed to their families for time and all of eternity was just too much joy to even process. I thought of my own special day, when I will be able to kneel across the altar and be sealed to that dear sweet husband of mine for eternity, and was overwhelmed by the gratitude I felt for the Gospel. I thought of the day when I will be able to seal my family together for time and all of eternity, and how amazing it is that Heavenly Father loves us so much that He created a way that we can do that, because He knew that Heaven would not be Heaven to us if we were not with our family we love so much.
A few weeks ago, I was able to be a part of a documentary for the Church, where I was able to talk a little bit about my story, and how Christ and the Temple have blessed my life. It gave me the opportunity to talk about important times in my life such as my conversion in high school, the first time I ever saw the Temple when I was a little girl, the passing of my dad, and how Christ is the reason for every joy in my life. Being in front of a video camera is not an exciting thought to me, but I kept reminding myself to just get over it and go for it, because if one person felt the spirit when they watched it, or felt any sort of relief or support through my experiences, then it would be worth it. Three years ago I didn't know that this would be a personal story that I'd share with people all across the country. But I feel honored to be a part of this project, and to have been able to associate with the filming crew and team who have put this project together. Their care and attention to detail was humbling. When I said my last goodbye to my dad over the phone, he was laying in a hospital bed in San Diego, and I was in Utah, sitting on the floor of a Walmart. When the film crew learned that small detail, they called me on the way to our next location, and asked if it was okay for us to stop at a Walmart so they could film me getting the phone call and that it was important that we find a Walmart because it would be authentic and they wanted to honor my dad and our story as exactly as they could. When they heard about my experience with the dear old Recorder at the Temple the night my dad's work was done, they made sure to find a sweet old man in order to re-create him holding my hand that night at the Temple, explaining that I had put my family on the path to eternal life. When my feet were killing me from standing in high heels all morning as we shot at the Temple, they figured out a way to film me barefoot so I wouldn't have to wear shoes the rest of the shoot. I looked over and the producer was holding my heels in one hand, and my Temple bag and scriptures in the other, while he looked over lenses with the rest of the crew, so I wouldn't have to do anything and could just take the experience in. It was a really humbling experience.
"Remember, God would not take something away from you without the intention of replacing it with something better."
I have noticed this pattern in my life over and over. Where Heavenly Father takes something away, He puts in it's place something better. It might be a person, it might be an experience, it might be more knowledge. But I think it's important for us to remember that Heavenly Father sent us down here to be successful. Along our path He puts trials to mold us and bring us down to show us that He is the only way back up. He brings us to darkness to see if we will have enough faith to take a step into that darkness and trust that Christ will be that light to save us. He blesses us with tender mercies to remind us that He does know us, and that this fight we have in us is not in vain, and that while we dream of good things for ourselves, He dreams of the BEST things for us. We tend to see dead ends, or think what's the point, or that will never happen; we draw conclusions for ourselves, and write the endings of these stories, before they've truly even begun. Heavenly Father sees the entire road. He would not take people from us, or things from us, that were pertinent to His plans for our future. If we are to one day have all Heavenly Father has, we are going to have to give ourselves to the point of asking ourselves is we have anything in us left to give. Every time we raise the bar in our own life, it takes a bigger commitment. But the good news is that Heavenly Father is there to not only match our efforts, but bless us ten fold, with a happier life than we could have ever planned for ourselves...
