Here is what I know: Heavenly Father has a sense of humor. I imagine He listens to my prayers and hears my wants and desires, and for some things He thinks, "Just wait a little longer, my promises are not in vain, my timing is perfect..." and then with other things He says, "No this is not right, I want more for you." And then perhaps, at other times, He listens to me and has a little chuckle to Himself. I know that He blesses us as much and as fast as we are able to comprehend and accept it. If you go to Him with a sincere heart, He will reveal His will unto you, and there is nothing you can do to change that will; all you can do is go full force toward the darkness. I also know that you cannot pray to Heavenly Father for guidance, and then not move your feet.
Throughout the past month, I have thought how random this entire experience has been. I lost sight of the fact that I've been prepared for this. I would never be thrown into something; He sent us down here to be successful. He is so much a part of our lives, He cares about every detail, and His hand is in every aspect of our life. If we care about it, so does He.
We've been through so much together, this Father and I. He heard the rantings of a young teenage girl with her friends, planning out the "perfect" wedding one day to the man of her "dreams", at the "right" age...then a little later, heard the worries of a young adult concerning her longing for a family, home of her own, loving husband, and babies they could raise together...then a little later, the prayer of a woman in the Temple, relinquishing all control of her plans and pleading to know His will for her life. Here's what happened...
I went to the Temple on a regular Thursday night, with prayers in my heart, and the intention to figure out what's next for me. I got dressed in my whites, and quietly sat in the stall praying about my job, about moving, about marriage...I layed out my heart for Him not thinking much, but prepared to follow whatever advice or suggestions He gave me. I went about my Temple work, and I will never forget the experience I had that night. I cannot do this experience justice by simply explaining it. It was such a sacred tender mercy from a loving Heavenly Father. As I sat there, the Spirit filled the room and my heart, I closed my eyes, and saw a line in my Patriarchal Blessing that I had always misunderstood until now, and then a calm voice that explained that the reason there were so many dead ends in my life was because I am not meant to be here anymore, I am meant to be on a mission.
It struck my heart. And it wasn't happiness that I finally had an answer. It was a "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!" moment for me. Hadn't we been here before? All I can say was that this time it was different. I knew with my entire heart that I was going. I immediately knew this was happening, so the problem wasn't what I was supposed to do anymore, it was how to accept that this was my path. I didn't have the desire to be a missionary at my age; I desired a family. This was going to be a complete and raw act of faith. I went back to my stall, got dressed, and sat there with my head in my hands crying and asking outloud, "How can this be? What about this, what about that, what if this happens, what if that happens..." And for every doubt, question, concern, or fear I had, Heavenly Father either had an explaination I'd never thought of, or filled my soul with peace. I went down to the Baptistry to wait for my best friend Tiffany who had been doing baptisms. I sat there quietly crying, and I saw her walking up toward me, a look of concern on her face, and later that night she explained, "I knew what you had been praying about that night, and when I saw you I knew you had recieved an answer, but I knew it had nothing to do with those things you prayed about...when I saw you I knew you were going on a mission."
I went home, and went right up to the shower, got in, and kept crying. I know you're thinking, "This girl is crazy..." and I really can't explain my reaction or emotions that night, but it's honest and how I really felt. My mom heard me crying, and came into the bathroom shutting the door behind her, and asked me what was wrong. I was scared to tell my mom, not because she wouldn't support me, but I've been down this road twice already, and as hard as it has been for me, it has been that for my family as well. We often forget that our struggles are theirs as well, and the last thing I wanted was to burden my family with worrying about me. So through my sobs I said, "Mommy, brace yourself..." and explained my experience in the Temple. My mom started crying and looked at me..."Nicki, last night I was just so frustrated for you and couldn't understand why you're just stuck, why you're not progressing toward those things you so long for, and I was frustrated with Heavenly Father so I prayed. I told Him to help you, that you need Him, that you're a good girl and to tell you what you need to be doing with your life." It wasn't a revelation for me that my mom had received, but it was a tender mercy that we both needed to know that this was the right choice I'm making, and to help us get through those hard mission times, and give us conviction that this is the right decision. "So mom, I guess this is really happening..." and through her tears, she hugged me and said, "So then go, so you can come home to me."
Looking back over the past couple of months, it has been so apparent to me that this was always the path. Is it the path I wanted at this time of my life? If I'm being completely honest, no. But will I follow the Spirit and trust my Father in Heaven with my life? Absolutely. For where I am in my life, with what I have to work with, this is the best option. I've always tried to live my life in a good/better/best state of mind, and this is the best decision I could make for myself, and my future family. I feel blessed to have this opportunity, I feel honored to be trusted to be called to the work, and I know that when times are hard, and I am struggling, I will still sit there in awe at the beautiful picture before me and marvel that I am in the presence of something bigger than myself. When my family asked me how I was feeling about my decision, I spoke to them with a confidence in my talents and abilities I had never realized before. I really can do this. And then there is that simple reality - what if there is a girl out there who I would meet, who has lost her dad, and has no idea where he is, and doesn't have any idea that she will see him again? Surely my trials and experiences can be consecrated and used for good.
"You were born with the ability to change someone's life. Don't ever waste it."
“Many times in our lives . . . we’ve said that we’ll put the Lord first and that for the Lord we’ll do anything, we’ll go anywhere. So we don’t really think in terms of sacrifice. … It’s a privilege; it’s an honor to lay down everything.”
"I didn't always know what I wanted to do, but I knew the kind of woman I wanted to be."
