I always knew that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ loved us. I was always told that they knew us. I try to have faith, I try to understand the many incomprehendable miracles of the Gospel, I try to wrap my head around faith and what it really means to have it, but I always feel like I'm coming up short. I feel like it's on the tip of my tongue. When I am in doubt of my ability to understand all this, I go back to that Thursday night in Ephraim, Utah. Here in this tiny, humble, odd town, in the back row of the Snow College Institute, the Spirit testified to me that Jesus Christ knows me. I always felt it, but that night, I KNEW it. Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father know me. They know my details.
I could have sworn that I would go on a mission. I just knew in my heart I would go. The tag, the long skirt, the worn shoes, the trembling hands, I wanted it all. I was meeting with my Bishop, talking to my mom everynight, talking to my friends who weren't sick of my rambling, trying to get an answer, get advice- trying to figure this out. Should it be this hard? I won't go into details. That's for another blog...or book perhaps. After much deliberation, pondering, reflecting, scripture study, crying, blessings, emotional eating, I realized Heavenly Father wasn't going to give me an answer. Instead, He would allow me to make my own decision, and would support me and love me and teach me those same invaluable lessons you learn on a mission, but in a different way. It just wasn't time. And I suddenly realized, it wasn't the missionary program I longed for. It was the missionary life. I knew I had special talents and gifts to share with people. I knew that I had something special inside, that I wanted to share with people. I knew that what I really wanted was to just be there for people, listen to their stories and convey the love their Savior has for them.
After I realized that, my Ephraim experience all came rushing into me. Heavenly Father KNOWS me. And He will place people in my life who I can help. I can be a life long missionary. I think of my precious kids I taught all summer at EFY. Every young girl or young man I taught at EFY was going through a storm. Most of which, I have been through already in my life. I had those specific kids for a reason. I could relate to them as only I could. And now, while a dear friend is going through a divorce and rough time in her life, I feel like we were placed in eachother's lives for a reason. All of a sudden, this bond was created out of no where. I know my mission in life is to be Christ's advocate. To remind myself and others that He IS there. He does love us. He knows us like only He can. He suffered the Atonement not only to save us and lead us to eternal glory, but to realate to us. To say, "Nicole, I have been there, lean on me. I have felt that, trust in me. I will guide you home."
I am in no way the example Mormon. Many days I question things, many mornings I wake up tired and feeling broken, many Sundays I would rather sleep in. But I will never deny the power of the Holy Ghost, the love Jesus Christ has for us, the knowledge Heavenly Father has of what is best for us, the Atonement and sacrifice Jesus Christ went through for us, or the blessings I daily recieve from knowing my DIVINE potential. It is not the appearance of happiness that gets you to where you want to be, but rather the goodness of the soul and the refining of yourself after the fire has left you broken. At the end of the day, this world is just noise. The only thing that matters to me is that my family is proud of me, that I am learning those lessons that will make me the best wife and mother I can be, and that Heavenly Father still sees the little girl that put on this earth. My success comes from knowing I make Him proud.
"People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway. If you are successful you will win some false friends and true enemies; Succeed anyway. If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway. What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway. The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; It was never between you and them anyway." -Mother Teresa
