There is this spider that is giving all useful bugs a bad name. I absolutely hate spiders. I can handle the daddy long legs- for some reason they remind me of cute old people. They walk so slow, not bothering anyone, just trying to get through life. Okay that's fine DLL...you live to see another day. But all other spiders be warned. You suck at life. I was laying in bed one night enjoying the nightly voice of Mr. Darcy in the background lulling me to sleep when I spotted the large black dot hiding in the shadows of my ceiling. Son of a b*&%$. (Excuse my symbols...) This guy (I assume all spiders are men) has got to be kidding me. I freak out, then decide that will not solve anything. I grab the swiffer, admiring it's long straight lines that are perfect for squishing such spiders, and give it my best shot. No luck. The spider falls to the ground behind my bed. Spider 1, Nicole 0. I try to forget the disgusting morsel of legs making it's home somewhere behind my bed and secretly applaud my messy room- try climbing over those piles spider...i dare you. Next night comes around and guess who has come out to play? He gets away. Spider 2, Nicole 0. The next night I am brushing my teeth and notice something moving on the ceiling. He gets away again. Spider 3, Nicole 0. Next night- Spider 4, Nicole 0. It had been about a week. No sight of the sneaky bastard anywhere. I assume this spider is part cat and from my calculations only has about 5 more lives to go. And there I am, enjoying my nightly Conan O'Brien and I spot a large black fugly being crawling up the side of the mop. I devise a plan. I call my mom to help me put the plan into action. This is MY night spider. Your days are up. Vengeance is mine. But before I know it, mom has completely freaked out, gone rogue, and tried to kill the spider via flip flop. WHAT?! A mere flip flop?! This isn't just any spider! This is a transformer in spider form! It falls to the ground (so dramatic...) and is nowhere to be found. I panic and grab the nearest vacuum. There's still time! I use the vacuum until it's practically begging me to quit. Spider 5, Nicole 0. He lives to see another day. The worst part is that I can just see that spider...so smug. Telling all it's little stupid spider friends what a hero he is. I can see them all sitting around the miniature poker table, snacking on their flies, petting their handlebar mustaches, smoking their cigars, laughing at the two women trying to capture them. But with two intelligent women and 3 mischievous dogs living in the house, they shouldn't be too cocky. WANTED: fugly black spider-dead or alive.
Fugly.
I have a terrible problem at night that I guarantee all people on this earth face: your brain demanding to stay awake. The brain is an amazing gift. But at night it acts like it is in it's terrible two's. It refuses to go to sleep. No matter how many books you read it, how many lullabies you sing, how many stupid sheep you count, it taunts you. It almost likes to make you mad. It's the modern day mullet. Instead of the standard "party in the back, business in the front", the brain is a "miracle by day, nightmare by night". I give up. Here is what is currently on my mind...
