He's still here.

I have this big old framed picture of my grandpa that I absolutely adore. It is one of my most prized possesions. I placed it on my bookshelf so I can look at him while I'm laying in bed contimplating life. It's a picture of him when he was around my age now. He looks so handsome. He is rockin' the faux-hawk with his shiny blonde hair and perfect lips and deep green blue eyes and kind smile. It is not a shock that Nanny fell for him at first sight. He is so handsome. Looks so strong. So kind. I look at that picture of him and think about all the things that came to pass in his years. 50+ years with my grandma, kids, grandkids, traveling, community, road trips, friends, stories we will tell over and over until we can't anymore. I think of him everyday. I try to not think about the fact that he's not here anymore. I block it out. But sometimes he sneaks up on me. A smell, a song, a story, advice I need - and it hurts. A sudden rush of pain hits me and I have to tell myself to breathe and not scream. I get mad. I get sad. I fall into denial. I get confused and can't grasp the concept of where he is. It's been more than two years. Certain things seem to set me off. Right now it is staring at his college picture, knowing I am about to embark on this amazing new college experience myself and knowing I won't be sharing it with him. And the thought that "he's watching me from above" isn't helping me right now. I don't want him to watch from above. I want him here.

I want to hug him in his oatmeal colored sweater, watch him hang christmas lights in his blue and grey striped sweatshirt with paint stains. I want to cry to him on the phone about how hard this age is. I want to tell him about the boys I like and hear him tell me how great the man I marry will be. I want him to take me on drives and sneak snacks in the garage for us while I watch him build his airplanes. I want to help him pick Magnolias from the tree in the backyard while he wears his ugly rust red sandals. I want to call him and play him my new song I learned on the violin. I want him to tell me about the new book he just read. I want to wake up from an afternoon nap smelling his spaghetti cooking on the stove. I want to see him cry when I make him a homemade gift and walk into his den seeing the gift sitting out for all to admire. I want him to call my house asking if my dog Buddy can come out to play. I want him to act like he hates my dogs and then watch him secretly meet them in the kitchen with treats and laughter and kisses. I want to walk into their bathroom smelling his aftershave. I want to hear him say "well hello" when I walk into the house. I want to get newspaper clippings of ideas of things he swears I'll do with my life. I want to revisit every childhood summer memory I have of us driving to colorado with my grandma and camping in the RV on the beach. I want to hear him call me "squirt" or "kid" or hear him say "I love you too, now" when I tell him how much I love him. I want to buy him a Father's Day card. I want to call him from Utah when I have a question about love, or a complaint about how stupid boys are, or to tell him how homesick I am for my mom.

I wonder what he thinks of me. It's only been two years but so much has changed. We've all changed. Dynamics in the family have shifted. Everyone has taken root and become stronger. I wonder if he thinks I'm a good person and if he's proud of the person I am right now, at this moment. I wonder if he knows the mistakes I've made. I wonder if he knows who I'm going to marry. I wonder if he's playing with my babies right now, telling them all our inside jokes and favorite stories. I wonder if he misses me and remembers how much I love him. I wonder if he really knows what he is to me and how thankful I am to have known him. I wonder if the people he's surrounded by right now know how lucky they are to be close to him. I wonder what he's doing right now. I wonder what things have happened to him and what experiences he's had since he's passed. I wonder if he asks these same questions to himself. Probably not. He knows a lot more now. His view is broader, his perspective unflawed.

Guess what song just came on? Perfect timing.

"I'll be in every beat of your heart when you face the unknown. Wherever you fly, this isn't goodbye. My love will follow you, stay with you, you're never alone. I'm not gonna promise the cold winds won't blow, so when hard times have found you and your fear surrounds you, wrap my love around you, you're never alone."

Thanks Papa. (He's still here...)