Quiet is a warm friend that has turned cold. I hate the quiet now. My mom worries about me now that I'm up at school because I'm always gone, always doing something, even if it's just going on a drive. I can't be alone. Well, I can, but it's hard. When it's quiet the memories flood me without warning, the regrets haunt me, the voices of my dad and grandpa are yelling through my head and it hurts. I miss them so much, sometimes it feels like I can't breathe.
And then it comes.
The picture of Jesus Christ in my head. Just his face, looking at me with this look I haven't quite figured out yet. It's a peaceful look. His eyes are gentle and they tell me it will be okay. His brow is a little furrowed, with a look of concern. His countenance is still and tells me to come unto Him, and that He knows how I'm feeling and will be there for me unconditionally. He takes the worries and pain from my mind, and makes me feel okay again. In it's place, He puts memories of laughter, hugs, love. And though it is still painful to remember them, it's not a biting pain like before. It is a feeling of joy, because I know I will have my dad and grandpa again. I cling to that picture of the Savior in my head. Sometimes it is like my body is functioning, but my spirit is laying on the ground curled up in a ball, grasping the ground for support.
My mom reminded me the other night that I probably knew this would happen before I came to earth, and I still came. I knew I would have it in me to make it through this. I see the Nicole before I came to earth, looking down at me, telling me-sometimes screaming at me-that I can do this. She is reminding me of how close she is to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, and is telling me that this is but a small moment in time. She is showing me a slideshow of the things I will do with my life. She is reaching for me, stretching her hand down with everything in her, trying to grab my hand and connect us back together. She is telling me about the plans and hopes Heavenly Father has for me, and is shaking me telling me not to lose hope. She is hugging me, holding me so tight that it makes my walls come down and I cry into her embrace. She is stroking me, telling me she loves me and that I will do great things with my life and to love her and be good to her.
I have to be good to her. She was prepared to come down here. She chose to come down to earth, and knew that through all the trials, she could make it back to Heavenly Father and be the woman He knew she would be.
And now I am in the quiet again. My roommates are gone, the tv is off, the neighborhood is still, mom is back home, and the world is moving around me. No matter what is happening in your life, the world keeps moving.
Dropping mom off at the airport, I noticed a soldier in full uniform with about ten bags, surrounded by loved ones waiting for him to board. My heart broke for him and his family, knowing the battle he was about to embark on. Then suddenly they called his plane. And the man hugged his family, and said goodbye. He started to walk to his car, and the loved ones grabbed the camo bags and headed for the plane. Wait, I thought. That can't be right. The soldier was actually the recruiter, sending off ten knew soldiers, including one woman, off to battle. I felt sick. I wanted to run up to them and stop them, and tell them to not go, and to stay where it was comfortable and safe and thank them for their sacrifice. But they left.
My life is hard, but it could be worse. Everyone i going through something. Death is hard, and I miss my dad and grandpa every second. But at least I have a warm home to come home to, and am fighting my own battles, not everyone else's. I won't be taking a plane ride to the desert, with my life being threatened everyday.
I know that when they're in the pit of despair, that same picture of Jesus Christ will come into their head, and they will know He is fighting the battle by their side. He is always by our side.
