There are three types of residents in Provo:
1. The lovers
2. The haters
3. The in-between-ers
1. They love cafe rio on every corner, truly believe provo is the cornerstone of utah, know the employees at fat cats by name, think hogi yogi is the walmart of eateries, demand uggs and mini skirts be in season year round, have memberships to Gold's and 24 to switch it up and check out the fresh meat, think signing an apt contract south of campus is literally pitching their tent towards Zion, look at the Provo Temple every night and say a little prayer and blow a kiss...the list goes on.
2. "Provo can suck it" is either their bumper sticker, motto, t-shirt logo, frame of mind, or facebook status. They would rather die than be seen having a picnic at the BYU duck pond. They would rather walk around BYU campus naked than go to a dance on campus, they boycott all things "provo trendy" including zupas, cafe rio, costa azul, pita pit, the wilk, Smith's, Alpine Village Apartments, Bridal Veil Falls, the buckle, anywhere that sells bump-its,etc.
3. Me. Provo is awesome when you find your people, find your places, find your place in this twon. But you're not about to sell plasma to save up for a house to raise your kids in on center street one day. You soak it up while you're here...then you go back home...wherever that may be.
I notice the wacky, what-the-freak, oh hail no happenings in this little town all the time and the observation list is about to begin. Enjoy.
1. Hand-less wedgie picking. When you're in the grocery store in the mac and cheese aisle doing lunges, you're not fooling anyone. Especially when I see you looking to the ceiling scoping out the video camera scene. "Did someone just see me do that?" Well, probably not on camera, but look behind you to the girl pretending to be intensely looking at the rice-a-roni boxes, when in reality I'm trying to figure out what the heck I just observed. Really? You can't wait to get home or to get to the car? And please go wash your hands immediately because with my luck I'll buy the mac and cheese box from McWedgie over there now doing lunges in the produce section. Stop scaring the children...wear better underwear, or get bigger pants. You're a freak.
2. The effort girls make to match their nail polish to their clothes astounds me.
3. Bump-its. For the love of everything holy, bump-it is the anti-Christ. It is a plastic lie. Sure, maybe it gets you the date, but when you wake-up the day after your wedding with a flat, greasy, untamed mop, you're husband is going to want an annulment. Stop it with the bump-its. It's like fake boobs for your head. No girl looks good with H sized boobs, and no girl looks good with an extra high poof begging for mercy at the crown of her head. Let it go.
4. The sexy walk. Homegirl this morning in front of 7-11 made my day. Her hips zag zagged fiercely from east to west, muffin top bouncing in all it's muffiny glory. How can guys be attracted to that? What's the appeal? It's not like I scope out a guy on campus with a nice walk. "Wow, look how his legs go back and forth in front of each other. Check out those hot calfs. OMG the way his skinny jeans bring out the flatness of his booty! Gotta' get that!" No, stop it. Just walk normal.
5. Heels heels heels, all the live long day. Please don't wear heels when you can't walk in them. I barely have time to get to my classes across campus without having to call an ambulance to come get you because the Steve Madden's on sale were "calling your name." Shoes don't talk. I would know...I was the girl talking to shoes at Nordstrom last month until I got my account balance and decided shoes were going mute for life. When you're walking bowlegged up the hills on campus, no guy is checking you out; they're rolling up their sleeves, getting in the grab stance just incase you plummet to earth.
6. Buttcracks. Put them away. I've seen more buttcracks than family members this past month. Girls, do the sit and stand when you buy jeans. It's not a welcomed surprise. It's embarrassing for everyone. Stop wearing it like a badge of honor. Pull up the pants and put the flesh belt away.
7. Tools. As in "Ew, don't date him...he's a total tool." WOW, this state is in crisis. The number of tools taking up space is shocking. Sure we get our share in california, but they're out there. It's like a zoo exhibit. You look at them, see them in their environment and habitat, sometimes take pictures, then keep walking. But here, tools are in full force. They're either way obvious or like a provo phantom that only come out at night. They have certain trademarks, such as pink polos, popped collars, lifted trucks, ginorm muscles, super spiky hair, fake white teeth, wear A&F shirts shrunk to fit the body as if painted on, fake tans, prey on the weak and blonde, call each other bro, etc.
8. Rubbing a guy's back in church + engagement ring = all for show. I've noticed, girls will purposely sit next to her guy on one side so that when he conveniently plants his head in his hands half asleep during talks, the girl will oh so slyly look around, and then proudly place her bony left hand on his back, hoping for all the see the sparkly little nugget resting on her finger. Sure, LDS movies like the Single's Ward are cheesy and stupid, but they're not making it up. They're filming fact. Facts that freaks in our wards are supplying them. Oy...
9. What in the world is with Utah drivers? I mean really. It is almost surreal how awful Utah drivers are. I am a 23 year old, self sufficient girl living on my own, but when I get into a car with my mom in Utah, suddenly I am that white knuckled 17 year old with mom stepping fiercely on the invisible brakes, being the worst kind of passenger you could imagine. The number of times this woman has almost flipped someone off is hysterical. But who can blame her?! Love isn't a battlefield...the 15 is a freakin battlefield.
10. Gigantic posters of wedding rings at every corner. Really? The wedding invitations by the cart load being delivered to our apartment everyday I can handle. Just slap it on the fridge; heaven knows I prepared myself for this move to Utah by stuffing boxes and boxes of magnets into my car for just this occasion. I'm expecting to use at least one box of magnets to hang invitations on the fridge by the end of the semester. I was thinking of this on my drive home from school, when the standard posters of humungous rings hung up in the store window caught my eye. I glanced at it, let it resonate in me, and then BAM! Back to reality. Nicole, get ahold of yourself. You're driving! Please oh please don't get into a car accident due to an engagement ring that's not even yours, and that's not even life size. It's the size of New Hampshire...you're chasing a dream. Then I started to laugh so hard to myself thinking, how mortifying to get into a car accident because you were looking at a picture of a ring in the window. And then I stopped laughing, grabbed the wheel at 10 & 2 and focused; with the two weeks I've had, I don't need to be jinxing anything else for myself. I need to go find some wood and knock on it until my hand is broken and get my Karma back to good standing.
Sidenote: We've all heard of the common Utah phrase, the NCMO. Non-Committal Make-Out. NCMO is well known to the state of Utah. I deeply feel that if NCMO was an animal and not an abbreviation, it would be the state bird or mascot of Utah. Fly away little birdie...
