I've had a lot of distractions in my life lately. Don't get me wrong, in certain situations I have followed my gut which lead to chaos but in my heart I know was the absolute right choice. I have made mistakes that have taught me about myself. I have become my own best friend. My testimony of everything in the Gospel has become stronger. I've gone out of my comfort zone, and in return been blessed. My relationships with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have become deeper, richer, fuller and immensely powerful. But I have also surrounded myself with toxic people, unhealthy environments, made some mistakes, trusted the wrong people, took on other people's problems, followed and believed people who have shown patterns of disloyal and untrustworthy behavior...and I miss the quiet.
Tonight my "little sister" and I were ordering dinner and In and Out and instead of looking at the items on the menu, all I could think about was my confusion in life. The employee came to our car window and asked what I wanted and my mind went blank. All I could think was "Hi, I'd like an order of Hope, with a side of Inspiration and could you throw in some extra Faith with that please?"
When telling my mom this story later, she gave me a great metaphor about how my life has been lately. She told me I've been driving down the same windy road the last couple months with the radio on, but all that comes out is static. I can't hear my own thoughts and most importantly, I can't hear the still small voice. I'm so consumed with the noise going on around me, the negativity, the lies, the mistakes, that I can't focus on what's really important. And what is important? What these people think, or what Heavenly Father thinks? He knows the truth. He knows my heart. He knows people's intentions. He knows how I'm feeling. The Atonement was not just for the forgiveness of sins, but it was for the broken hearted, the lonely, the afflicted, the accused, the forgotten, the misunderstood. I cling and grasp to the Atonement because sometimes, besides my family, it feels like my only ally.
Coming home, I am reminded of my roots. There are certain people who call it running away. I call it finally putting myself first and releasing myself from the bands of noise and distractions. My family and dear friends are there for me, love me, teach me, care about me, want to see me succeed, build me up instead of beat me down, help me grow, nourish my spirit. They are healing me physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. They don't make me feel guilty for grieving the passing of my father. They don't tell me it's been a couple months so it's time to move on. The day my father passed away, my life changed forever. When a parent dies, a part of you dies with them. Grieving doesn't even start until the realization hits. And it hasn't hit me until a few weeks ago. My father was half of me. I need to now get to know that half of me again. And I'm sorry if that makes me "too emotional" or if my emotions or moods are right on the cusp. That's just how it is. If you don't like it, frankly, pardon yourself and go somewhere else. Family and true friends stick by you. They give you the benefit of the doubt. They don't tally your mistakes and hold onto every lie or exaggeration they hear. And the bottom line is, it just really doesn't matter. It's all noise. These people and negative experiences are not going to be with me through the eternities. It's not even a small shadow in the eternities. It's life! Ya gotta just get over it, stick to your guns, know who you are and move on. When did everyone else's opinions become of greater importance than Heavenly Father's?
The car is in drive, the radio is off, the road is a little more straight, a lot less bumpy and for the first time in while, it's quiet and I can hear the still small voice.
