In some way, I think I've always known I was supposed to serve a mission. When I first joined the church, I was obsessed with marriage. It wasn't a new obsession, I had just found a place where my obsession was socially acceptable. I was rejecting the promptings to prepare myself for a mission because I wanted the picture I had in my head of a happy life with a husband and babies running around all tied up in a pretty little bow.
Thankfully, I became more wise as I grew up.
When you're young you think you have it all figured out. You know what's best for you, what you want and what you'll never want. And then you grow up and realize you really know nothing at all, and after fighting against giving in for so long, you finally wave your white flag for Heavenly Father to see, and say, "I know nothing at all, just help me make the right decisions and have me be where you want me."
The white flag was waved earlier this year.
There are moments that I distinctly remember. Sitting in Stake Conference as a fresh convert drawing myself as a sister missionary on my notebook. Hearing President Eyring's talk on converts and feeling such a strong pull to missionary work. Standing outside on the driveway early in the morning minutes after letting my grandpa's hand go as he passed away, knowing that it was all going to be okay. Laying on the floor of Walmart saying my last goodbyes to my daddy on the phone, bearing my testimony to him about where he was about to go, and eternal families. Hearing the First Vision for the first time, and crying because I knew exactly how Joseph felt during his search for the truth. Reading my friends letters who were on missions, seeing the changes in them, and longing for the change in my own life. Coming home from a summer of being an EFY counselor, knowing a mission was meant for me from the growth I gained in every way from teaching the Gospel. The first time I truly understood what the Atonement meant. All of these moments and so many more stick out in my mind and make me wonder why I was so hesitant before.
Sure, a mission is sacrifice. But the blessings strongly outweigh the sacrifice. If Heavenly Father can sacrifice His only begotten Son to come to earth and suffer the sins of the world so we may be saved, I surely can sacrifice 18 months to serve my brothers and sisters and teach them about something so precious, and so much bigger than all of us.
A couple months ago, the prompting was so strong to serve a mission. I ignored it. I was used to the flip flop by now. Do I go, or don't I? This had been a question I had come to dread seeing as how it had been in the back of my mind weighing me down since I converted. It was almost routine. Every time I talked to my family about it, they didn't want me going. I was so sick of the battle with myself, I finally approached Heavenly Father and told him I wasn't going to go, so if He could please be okay it with it, I would be eternally grateful. He agreed, and let me know it was my decision and He would support me in my choice.
The Spirit however was not so willing to let me forget.
A couple more months went by, and I was having a hard time with life. Nothing was going right. (I hadn't yet figured out it might have been Heavenly Father's way of telling me that my way of doing things were wrong, and to come to Him to seek answers for my life.) I was still so angry about things that had previously happened while living in Utah. There was hate in my heart, and a lot of it. Hating someone is an awful feeling to live with. I needed to learn how to forgive. The Spirit made it very clear to call my Single's Ward Bishop and ask for a Priesthood blessing. He has become a very dear person in my life, counseling me through my emotions, teaching me about Christ, and helping me become stronger and wiser. We sat in his office for a long time talking about life. Then he gave me a profound blessing, one I don't think I'll ever forget. He mentioned all the things I had been needing and seeking to hear, but the majority of the blessing was about service. The knots started in my stomach. It was the spirit again whispering in the back of my head "mission."
"Yeah right, stop it," I muttered to myself.
As Bishop went to let me out of his office, his face looked perplexed. He stood at the door for a minute and said, "Nicole, I don't know what the Lord has in store for you, but it is very clear that you will be serving, and will be serving a lot."
I sarcastically said, "Well I do still think about a mission sometimes," and laughed.
He didn't laugh along. He stopped dead in his tracks, his face beaming and grabbed me. "That's it. That's it Nicole! When you get home, I want you to get right on your knees and pray about a mission."
WHAT? You have got to be kidding me. Me and my stupid mouth. Always getting me in trouble. I got in the car, wrote down what I could remember from the blessing and called my mom. As I drove home I read her my notes. We cried, and then I quickly mentioned the part about a mission. She gasped. "Nicki, I know you're supposed to go on a mission, I just know it." Shocked and dumbfounded, I pulled over.
"What?? Where did this come from? Where was the support when I WANTED to go on a mission? What are you talking about?!"
I got home and we talked through the night. We decided to fast about it that Sunday. Sunday came and went, and nothing spectacular. You think some angel is going to come down and make everything make sense. With frustration, I told my mom I felt nothing after my fast.
"That's because you already know the answer."
Interesting. She then explained her feelings, and how she knew I was confused at why everyone in our family and all our family friends and my friends were nothing but excited and supportive about me going on a mission, when before I couldn't pay someone to think it was a good idea. But this time it was all about timing. I thought about where I was in my life when I first wanted to go, and then where I was now in my life. I have learned so much, been through so much, been broken down to my darkest place, been lifted up through the Atonement and love of my family and friends, and I know myself more than I ever have. So I made the decision. And my smile has never been bigger. Days after I made the decision to serve a mission things were just different. There was a calm about life. A peace. The world around me is spinning and sometimes it feels like the walls of my life are closing in around me, but inside I know the mission Heavenly Father has for me, and I am filled with such joy at this new chapter. Having the Gospel of Christ doesn't mean your life is all of a sudden going to be perfect. It means that now you know it's all going to be okay, and you have hope to grab ahold of.
I can excitedly say, I have officially started my papers. Every night I lay in bed smiling, wondering about every detail of this new chapter of my life. Everyday Satan surely tries to bring me down. You always hear about this when new missionaries are starting their paperwork - and boy is it true. I've never been more exhausted, or tired by my life. When I think I can't go on, I think to myself "you have to keep going because obviously there is a great work for you to do...and by the looks of it, you're going to be a great missionary!"
Heavenly Father shows me everyday how needed I am by blessing me with tender mercies that I know are from Him, reminding me that I've made the right choice. For the first time in my life I am not afraid. And for a girl that has lived her life through fear of change and fear of the unknown, that is a miracle. I am grateful the Lord needs me. I know it will change my life, my children's lives, my family's life. I am the first missionary to ever serve in my family. What an honor. But I can confidently say, I am not the last. I laugh to myself thinking of my future Mission President. He thinks he is gaining a sister missionary. What he doesn't know is that I'm a package deal. I come with two guardian angels, Papa and Daddy, who will be by my side the entire time. 3 for the price of 1. I can't wait to see what we accomplish together. I can't wait to see where I'm going, to teach the sweet people I meet, to make eternal friendships with companions and other missionaries I serve with, to grow closer to my family through the blessings we will receive and through letters, to bear my testimony on a daily basis, to see the change in myself every day, to be able to live simply and with purpose, to get the opportunity to grow in my faith and grow closer to Christ and Heavenly Father, and all the other hundreds of things this opportunity will let me be a part of. When you are where Heavenly Father wants you to be, you are standing on Holy Ground.
There's no place else I'd rather be. Heavenly Father, bring me to my people. I'm ready.
