“I want to talk to you about the subject of plans…life plans and how we all make them, and how we hope that our kids make good, smart, safe plans of their own. But if we’re really honest with ourselves, most of our plans don’t work out as we’d hoped. So instead of asking our young people, ‘What are your plans? What do you plan to do with your life?’, maybe we should tell them this: Plan…to be surprised.”
Plans are a funny thing right? Especially for this note taking, list maker like myself. Plans are just a little added comfort, some security so I feel like I have control of something. Plans are just an idea unless they coincide with the will of Heavenly Father. If not, He has been known to change a thing or two. At least in my life. I make plans and I imagine Heavenly Father laughs and thinks "Oh nicole, you're adorable..."
Don't get me wrong, you have to have a plan, but you also have to be willing to give and take, be open, and let Him direct your path to something more important.
I was about a week away from putting my mission papers in the mail. I just needed to tie up some loose ends, and then they would be ready. I was convinced this was right. I had conviction in this plan. Looking back, I learned that conviction is a blessing because it helps you stand for something, and you stand so hard that whether or not the destination changes, you're still on the right path. And if you weren't so sure, you wouldn't take that path to the very end that ultimately leads you to a new, better path. The revelation I recieved to go on a mission wasn't actually to get me on a mission, it was to get me to a certain point in my preparation that lead me to a new path, but without the conviction I had in the answer I recieved, I wouldn't have prepared so hard and found this more important step.
So for all those wondering what's going on with the mission, and why there's been a hold up, I'll explain. My physical was a three day long process. First the actual physical, then the blood tests, then the results. There was a pit in my stomach, because my gut was telling me something just wasn't right. I was right. Basically, the doctor called me in and explained that my blood disorder was a little higher than normal, I have a Vitamin D deficiency, and told me there's something going on with my uterus. At this point I didn't care about a mission, I was most concerned about having kids. He told me he'd give me the medical release if I really wanted it, but in his opinion, I should stay home and get my body healthy. I was devastated. My heart was broken. Not only sad, but scared. I was heart broken that my dream of going on a mission was shot, and I was scared with all that was going on with my body, and overwhelmed that I now needed to make new decisions about my life. I stayed home in bed, or in my mom's bed, all weekend crying.
I really didn't want to tell everyone because I was confused, I was really sad, and I was scared people would say things like, "I knew she wouldn't go..." or think I was making excuses. But my mom reminded me, that the people who are really my friends, who really care about me, don't really care what I'm doing in life, they just love me and support me regardless. I was having a hard time explaining this to everyone, but I think I explained it to Josh best: I felt like I broke up with the boy I was going to marry. (My mission being the boy.) It wasn't that he was a bad guy, he was a great guy. The timing just wasn't right, and we just weren't meant to be together. On paper yes it seemed like the perfect match, and everyone thought we were the perfect couple. But it just wasn't meant to be. Heavenly Father had a different plan for us.
Suddenly something amazing happened...perspective was introduced back into my life. I had some thoughts that night. I've always said referring to a mission, "Bring me to my people..." but maybe my people aren't ready...maybe they won't be ready until I serve them on a senior mission, or when I have a family of my own and they'll hear the Gospel through my husband and I, or our kids. Also, maybe for some reason, but husband is ready for me sooner rather than later? Maybe when I received my answer to go on a mission I really was supposed to serve a mission, but maybe through my preparation, something changed and now I have other work that needs to be done. My best friend Garrett said maybe both going on a mission and staying home are equally good choices and that I'll learn what the Lord needs me to learn just in a different way, but He won't hold back those opportunities if I stay or go. He told me, "Yes you'll probably miss out on growth only a missionary can learn from a mission, but maybe if you went on a mission, you'd miss out on growth you'd only learn from being home."
This journey in preparing for my mission has been such a gift. In preparing, I gained such a hunger for knowledge. A desire for knowledge that I've never had before. I craved Institute classes, and Temple Prep, and reading whatever I could get my hands on. I gained a greater testimony of the Temple, and the work to be done. The thing that started this whole mission thought was the desire I had to take out my endowments. Mission or no mission, I will be following through with that desire. Through Temple work, I gained a greater appreciation and fascination with geneology and the desire to find out more about my anscestors and heritage. With that, I can do work for my family, and be a missionary without a tag...
"Circumstances will never make me betray my plan for happiness."
"In all the important decisions in our lives, what is most important is to do the right thing. Second, and only slightly behind the first, is to do the right thing at the right time. People who do the right thing at the wrong time can be frustrated and ineffective. They can even be confused about whether they made the right choice when what was wrong was not their choice but their timing. We should not try to impose our timetable on His. The issue for us is trusting God enough to trust also His timing. Indeed, we cannot have true faith in the Lord without also having complete trust in the Lord’s will and in the Lord’s timing. We prepare in the way the Lord has directed. We hold ourselves in readiness to act on the Lord’s timing. He will tell us when the time is right to take the next step. For now, we simply concentrate on our own assignments and on what we have been asked to do today. People who do not accept continuing revelation sometimes get into trouble by doing things too soon or too late or too long. It is not enough that we are going in the right direction. The timing must be right. Because of things over which we have no control, we cannot plan and bring to pass everything we desire in our lives. Many important things will occur in our lives that we have not planned, and not all of them will be welcome. Even our most righteous desires may elude us or come in different ways or at different times than we have sought to plan. Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ prepares us for whatever life brings. This kind of faith prepares us to deal with life’s opportunities—to take advantage of those that are received and to persist through the disappointments of those that are lost. Whatever the circumstances beyond our control, our commitments and standards can be constant. If we have faith in God and if we are committed to the fundamentals of keeping His commandments and putting Him first in our lives, we do not need to plan every single event—even every important event—and we should not feel rejected or depressed if some things—even some very important things—do not happen at the time we had planned or hoped or prayed."
