I know I haven't written in a while, and a lot of people have been wanting to hear about my experience going through the Temple, so I figured I should probably just sit down and get to it. There is just too much goodness to talk about - I don't know where to even start...
I remember one afternoon when I was a little girl, I was driving in the car with my mom and for the first time I really saw this beautiful white castle. I was in awe. I whispered to my mom, "Mommy, one day I am going to get married there..." She sweetly explained to me that it was a special building; it was a Temple. I didn't really understand but I remember looking at her with conviction thinking "Really mommy, I'm getting married there..."
Sometimes the heart just knows :)
I know that the Lord blesses us, but I also know that He blesses us as fast as we can prepare for them and receive them. To get me on the path I am on now, with the understanding I have gained through everything, it required a Refiner's fire. I was practicing, believing, but never so devoted. I never understood the phrase "line upon line" like I do now. Knowledge a lot of the time comes to me in that form, and I believe blessings do as well. I've truly never been this happy in my entire life and I know that's because of the Gospel of Christ, but also the fact that I'm truly dedicated to it. Losing my dad stripped me of all security. I had to build from the ground up, and I built myself a firm foundation. First trusting in Heavenly Father, and then binding myself to Him, I suddenly became thrilled with who I was, making me a better use to Him wherever I was needed. When you feel like you're in the depths, and you have nothing to inspire you, motivate you, or look forward to except for that shred of hope that comes in the form of Christ, you really are forced to decide what you really believe, and then finally start living up to it. I have a conviction of the truthfulness of this Gospel, and I have conviction in myself. And that in itself is a blessing.
Filling out mission papers, and then deciding not to go was one of the most difficult decisions I've ever made. I asked the Lord to use me at home and I told Him I'd serve Him however I could. Instantly He blessed me with peace and comfort, and over time He has schooled me to know that I did in fact make the right decision for myself. To know you've made a good decision in the sight of a loving Heavenly Father is an incredible feeling.
Yesterday after church, I went and did service with a friend and Sister Kendell, one of the Senior Missionaries in my Single's Ward. I was running from house to house in the pouring rain inviting people to activities, and telling them of the love I have for them, which is true, even though I don't even know them. Me and my friend were running back to Sister Kendell's car, and I grabbed her hand as we ran through the rain and said, "We sure do make good companions!" She squeezed my hand and said, "See? You didn't need to go on a mission! We all rely so much on you here at home!" I got in the car, sopping wet, and as we drove away I thought of all the service opportunities I've had at work, in my ward, in the Temple, and I thought, "Wow...He's using me like He said He would..." It was such a sweet moment between me and my Heavenly Father.
It happened line upon line...
One day I woke up and thought "I'm ready..." and suddenly had the strongest desire to make covenants. Suddenly I realized I had already made covenants by being baptized. I made a goal to keep my Baptismal Covenants and get my limited Temple recommend back...
So I did...
Even though I decided to not serve a mission, I knew I was needed at home, and I decided to make myself useful. So I prepared my dad and grandpa's names myself and made a goal to do my dad and grandpa's work...
So I did...
Suddenly the urge to make covenants grew stronger. I wanted to BIND myself to Heavenly Father for eternity. I made it a goal to go through the Temple...
So I did...
That night was a wonderful night. It was magical from beginning to end. I think one of my favorite moments was before I even went in. I had to work all day and the anticipation was really just almost too much to handle. I had a short time to run home, freshen up, and then head off to the Temple. I still had to pack; so I raced home and ran up to my room. When I walked in, I found my Temple packed and ready for me, waiting at the foot of my bed. Oh mom! :) I drove to the Temple by myself just like I wanted. I met Sister Brundage in the Temple lobby and in we went. I was almost like a child, in awe of everything around me. We sat for a while in the Temple just talking, and taking it all in. Brother Brundage was my Bishop when I joined the church. Sister Brundage taught me the Temple Prep classes. And now she was my escort, and they were both in the session with me. Life is funny right? She sat and talked about how far I've come, and how much I've grown since she met me, "that 17 year old girl with big, bright eyes wanting to know EVERYTHING about the Gospel..." Suddenly it was time. On our way up, she walked me over to the big glass window overlooking the Baptismal Font. I was on the other side. Suddenly I had a flashback of an experience I had a couple weeks before, preparing to go through...
...I was at the Temple doing baptisms, preparing to go through the Temple, and as I sat there, I closed my eyes to pray, and in a split second I was taken somewhere else. The only way I can explain it is that it was presented to me almost like a movie. It was my dad, dressed in his regular clothes, looking down over me in the Temple, watching the work I was doing in this Holy Temple. He was looking down, so reverently, with this feeling of not wanting to intrude, but wanting to know more. Heavenly Father appeared dressed in all white. He put his arm around my dad's shoulders, and brought him closer, inviting him to really look at the work that was being done. He explained to my dad the sacredness of the Temple and of this work, and then He told my dad that I would not be doing this Temple work, living this life, dedicating myself to this Gospel if I didn't have a conviction that this was truth. Suddenly they were gone. I opened my eyes. The Spirit testified to me of the work being done, and it was also so nice to see my dad again. How many times had I done baptisms, and looked behind me through the glass window, vowing to myself that one day I'd be on the other side?
We walked up the stairs. I put on my Temple dress, and met Sister Brundage. She looked at me with tears in my eyes, and then moved me in front of the mirror to see myself dressed in white for the first time. I looked at myself in the mirror, with her by my side, and we cried a bit. I had never felt so beautiful or clean. All the Temple workers kept commenting on how I couldn't stop smiling. It's true, I was just so happy. All night I kept thinking to myself, "How did I get here?" I remember walking out of my Bishop's office with my Temple recommend in hand. I was so overwhelmed, I walked to a little nook in the lobby of my church building, and sat looking at my recommend. Gratitude filled every part of me and I cried, whispering "Thank you Heavenly Father, thank you."
The Temple session was a blur, but I was incredibly happy the entire time. I was surrounded by people I love, and I felt extremely loved. I was fully aware that there were other spirits and angels surrounding me, and at one point a Temple worker pulled me aside and told me that the people whose work was being done were in there with us. It reminded me of when I sat in the Baptistry waiting to witness Nick being baptized for my dad, and a Temple recorder pulled me aside and said, "Nicole I'm sure your father and grandfather knew they would not receive the Gospel in this life. I'm sure it was a daunting thought to them and perhaps even worry-some, but right then I'm sure Heavenly Father said "Do not fear, because on November 26, 2011 at 5:45 pm, your daughter and granddaughter is going to have your work done. Do not fear."
The rest of the night was so wonderful. The whole night I was all smiles, but when I walked into the Celestial Room and beheld the entire sight, the people with me, and everything that had just happened, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I stopped walking, covered my face, and started crying. I was just so honored, and felt so loved. This was THE moment I had told myself would come when I was in the pit of despair grieving my dad. I would tell myself over and over, it's okay one day you'll be happy again, and feel a purpose again, and this faith you hold onto is not in vain. I was right. And it was an incredible feeling. We sat and talked in the Celestial Room for a while, and then I just needed to see my mom. I knew all night she was outside, and I just needed to hug her. I have never gotten dressed so fast in my life! Sister Brundage and I rounded the corner, and I saw the glass doors, and my friends outside, and all of a sudden I saw my mom! I think I dropped my bags on the ground and ran to her and suddenly she was in my arms and it was like the perfect seal on the night. She hugged me so tight, and told me how proud she was of me, and how she knew how much this meant to me, and that she had never seen me so happy.
The truth is, I really have never been this happy. It's not a happiness based on anything except for truth, a personal relationship with my Heavenly Father and my Savior, and a spiritual commitment I have made to myself and Heavenly Father. I love Him so much that I want to be bound to Him for eternity. So many people I've talked to have told me I have this glow about me, or this peace about me, and they are right, I do and I feel it too! Since I have been through the Temple, I have been blessed with so many wonderful, rich experiences. So many sweet tender mercies have been given to me inside and outside of the Temple. Too many to even keep track of. But that's not important; what's important to remember is that Heavenly Father truly is aware of us. He knows what we need better than we know, and if we are true to Him, He will bless us. He didn't send us down here to fail. He wants to bless us, He wants us to succeed, He wants us to be happy!
Last night I was able to go meet Ethan at the Temple after his first day of working at the Temple, to do a session. After our session I was waiting for him to get dressed and meet me at the stairs, and as I sat there, I saw this family with these little ones all dressed in white coming out of the elevator. They were looking all around the Temple, their sweet little faces in awe. I thought to myself I know I'm an adult, but I know exactly how you feel! Ethan and I walked down the stairs and as he went to go drop something off, I just had to go talk to that family. The Temple worker told me to talk to the little boy because he was really excited. I walked over to him, put my hand on his tiny little shoulder and this is how our conversation went:
Nicole: Did you just get sealed to your family?!
Little boy: YES! It was so great!
Nicole: Well that is just so amazing! Congratulations! Are you so happy?
Little boy: Yeah 'cuz we're SEALED!
*Grabs my hands and starts squeezing them*...
Little boy: Are you sealed to your family?!
Nicole: No not yet, but someday!
Little boy: Do you PROMISEEE??
Nicole: Yes I PROMISE!
*Starts excitedly giggling, throws his arms around me and shouts*...
Little boy: Oh that's SO GOOD!!!...Wait, you smell like skittles!!!...
And as I'm walking away he whispered: "You promised..."
One of the most tender moments I've ever experienced. Ethan said it best, "That kid just gets it." I wonder if he'll grow up to be an Apostle one day haha. And more importantly, I wonder if I'll see him in the next life, and show him I made good on my promise... :)
I think one of my favorite things about the Temple is that it has given me a more focused purpose. Life's disappointments and challenges will come, but the Temple is always there. The Gospel will never change or let us down. The Temple isn't for the perfect saint. The Temple is for everyone, in every circumstance. It is a safe haven from all worries. The veil is so thin inside the Temple. It is that beacon of hope that reaches out it's hand to you in your darkest hour, helping you to hold on just a little longer. It really has become my best friend. Heavenly Father is here with us in many ways, and one of those ways is the Temple. It stands as a beacon of hope to us. Like the truest of true friends, it stands there ready and willing to help. I go there when I'm sad, when I'm peaceful, when I'm happy, when I'm confused, when I'm doubting. I know that whatever I go through in my life, I have a place of peace I can go to, to dwell in the spirit of eternal things. I never feel more beautiful or more powerful than when I am walking out of the Temple. Christ gives me that confidence in myself. He reminds me of my potential. He has plans for all of us; it's not a question of whether or not we can do it, but whether or not we are ready to be used for good.
I am so grateful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I have been prepared for it my whole life, and He has prepared me for all my blessings line upon line, and I cannot wait to see what else He has planned for me. I am grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who can take an imperfect person and make them feel worthy and extraordinary, and that He loves me so much that He know exactly how to reach me, and relate to me. When we have Christ in our lives, we have a future. We have living water and eternal blessings. We can bind ourselves to Him for eternity. Whenever we get lost, He will find us. I am so grateful for the bounty of blessings, knowledge, and understanding I have received and continue to receive by going through the Temple and to have the opportunity to progress as well as serve others. I can confidently say that I know Christ lives. And because of Him, I know one day I will be able to keep my promise to that sweet little boy in white.
