"Dear Jesus, sometimes I'm afraid of letting you have complete control of my life. Show me how to be a "yes" kind of girl, like Mary was, and use me to bring you to others."
The other night, I was at dinner with my friend, and he said to me, "Nicole there is just something about you now since you've gone through the Temple. There's this glow about you, and it just draws people in. People want to be around you all the time."
I'll tell you what that glow is. It's the glow of a woman who knows who she is. The Temple gives you confidence in everything, especially in yourself. Sometimes I go to the Temple and I come home with really amazing stories. Sometimes I go to the Temple just to get that extra push I need to make it through another week. But the wonderful thing is that the Temple is always there. It is something that no one can ever take away from me. It is my time with Heavenly Father. It is the most precious time of the week.
On the drive home from the Temple last night, I was listening to one of my favorite songs. I've always thought of this song as a love song, and it is, but last night when I listened to the words, I didn't think of it as a love song between and boy and a girl; I thought of my relationship with Heavenly Father instead.
It reminded me of when I first heard about the Gospel, and the missionaries asked me to go home and kneel in prayer and ask Heavenly Father if what I heard was true. My mom had raised me to grow up with prayer being a big part of my life, but I had never knelt to pray. I knelt down for the first time, and talked to Heavenly Father about the things I had learned. He suddenly became very familiar to me in a way that He had never really been before. He wasn't just God anymore, He was my Father, my closest Friend. A whole new world had been opened up to me from that point on. I'd found what I'd been searching for. "How many years did you plan this moment here?" I think about my baptism, I think about going through the Temple and receiving my endowments, I think about the day I'll be sealed in the Temple to my love, I think about the days I'll have my children, I think about the day I'll go home and be reunited with the ones I love on the other side.
I lay here under the stars in awe of who you are
You've never been so real
I'll never understand it fully
Lost here in your beauty
No words could say how I feel
It's like I'm seeing for the first time
Like you opened my eyes to show me
Everything I've missed before
And I want more
I used to think we were worlds apart
But look, here you are
Let's stay here for awhile
Where heaven touches earth, my heart begins to turn
I've never felt so alive
How many years did you plan this moment here
To show me how you love me
Here are some things I've learned the past couple of days:
Challenges are going to come, this we know. But if we tie ourselves to things that will never change, even through loneliness, heartache, confusion, sadness, or whatever other emotions we may feel, we will not feel hopeless. We will have that hope of our future still burning bright. We will have that hope in the Gospel, and hope in ourselves.
Heavenly Father sent us to this world to be successful. I was not blessed with the gift of patience, haha, so as I have recently prayed for patience, Heavenly Father gave me opportunity to be patient. Sometimes the answers to our prayers, or blessings we're waiting for, seem to come really slow. But if you really think about it, maybe Heavenly Father is withholding a certain blessing because He is still preparing it for you. It's not time yet. "Things of quality have no fear of time."
My friend Tiffany randomly called me and said, "You know, I sometimes wonder how you're not married yet, but tonight I realized it's not because you're not ready - it's because you teach us girls a lot, and we all still need you right now." My first reaction was "Need me less..." haha, but I thought well, I've been asking for more opportunities to serve, so ask and ye shall receive. Later on in our conversation we were talking about our certain trials we've had and wonder how in the world those came about, and it dawned on me - maybe it's not for us, maybe it's something we need to go through to be able to relate to someone else who needs us more, and help guide them through their trial. Maybe one day our children will go through similar trials, and we will be that much more prepared to help them. I thought about how much I've been praying, pleading really for different things like understanding, patience, and comfort. As I thought about my communication with Heavenly Father lately, I was so humbled to realize that Heavenly Father will never get sick of hearing from me. He never needs a break, never needs space, never needs to figure things out. He is always there. And not only is He always present, but He is always fully invested. He is genuinely interested in what we have to say, and how He can help.
My friend Tiffany randomly called me and said, "You know, I sometimes wonder how you're not married yet, but tonight I realized it's not because you're not ready - it's because you teach us girls a lot, and we all still need you right now." My first reaction was "Need me less..." haha, but I thought well, I've been asking for more opportunities to serve, so ask and ye shall receive. Later on in our conversation we were talking about our certain trials we've had and wonder how in the world those came about, and it dawned on me - maybe it's not for us, maybe it's something we need to go through to be able to relate to someone else who needs us more, and help guide them through their trial. Maybe one day our children will go through similar trials, and we will be that much more prepared to help them. I thought about how much I've been praying, pleading really for different things like understanding, patience, and comfort. As I thought about my communication with Heavenly Father lately, I was so humbled to realize that Heavenly Father will never get sick of hearing from me. He never needs a break, never needs space, never needs to figure things out. He is always there. And not only is He always present, but He is always fully invested. He is genuinely interested in what we have to say, and how He can help.
There is always much to be grateful for. Sometimes I think of "where I should be" in my life, or think of the aspirations I had for myself when I was younger. Tonight I thought about everything I've been through the past two years and this quote came to mind:
"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for."
I might not be where I thought I'd be at this time in my life, but I am where I am supposed to be. Nothing about our lives are random. Sure the course may depend on our choices and decisions, but if we are keeping our covenants and trying to live the best life we can, He will steady our course and keep us on track. There are many different paths to take, but if we want the same thing we've always wanted, which is ultimately to live with Heavenly Father in our eternal families for eternity, we will have the same outcome no matter what path we choose. I thought by now I'd be married and perhaps starting a family- well that's not my life. But a year ago I was grieving the loss of my father, barely active in the church, feeling extremely lost, asking Heavenly Father to help me get back to the Temple, thinking I would never be ready to actually be endowed. But here I am :) And how grateful I am for the opportunity I had to rebuild my life on a solid foundation the way I wanted it, and that I had the opportunity to do it alone so that I know my conviction in the truth of this Gospel is based my what I've learned and my own experiences. How grateful I am that I am able to cling to Heavenly Father and Christ and depend on them for all of my happiness, because I know in them I will never be disappointed, heartbroken, or anything less than unconditionally loved and full of joy. When your confidence comes from the love of Christ, you will soar to heights you never could have imagined for yourself. When blessings you've asked for don't come, it's because something else is being prepared for you- something better than you could have ever imagined for yourself. He is actively engaged in our lives. He is more invested in us than we are in ourselves most of the time.
We know that good feelings are from the Spirit if they cause us to do good. The Spirit will teach us quietly, and the promptings may not even seem significant. But as we act, the solution or answer will come quickly. As we act more and more, the Holy Ghost will in turn trust us more and more, and increase our knowledge and understanding as fast as we can receive it.
Life is short. If you love someone, tell them. Don't be afraid to love. Don't let fear overtake you. Love is a gift, and it is hard to find. It is a gift that was bestowed to you from a loving Heavenly Father. We are here to progress, not to stay the same. Loving in my opinion, is the fastest way to gain knowledge and understanding of yourself, in His plan, and every other aspect to this life and the life to come. "The pain of sacrifice lasts only one moment. It is the fear of the pain of sacrifice that makes us hesitate to do it." Sometimes we have to sacrifice comfort, in order to grow. Fear is no way of living life. Sure you might fail, it might not work out. But my word, I hope we all at least try. "What if it doesn't work," you might say...ah, but what if it does?
"If the foundation of faith is not embedded in our hearts, the power to endure will crumble. I cannot promise an end to your adversity in this life. I cannot assure you that your trials will seem to you to be only for a moment. One of the characteristics of trials in life is that they seem to make clocks slow down and then appear almost to stop. There are reasons for that. Knowing those reasons may not give much comfort, but it can give you a feeling of patience. Those reasons come from this one fact: in Their perfect love for you, Heavenly Father and the Savior want you to be fitted to be with Them to live in families forever. Only those washed perfectly clean through the Atonement of Jesus Christ can be there. If we have faith in Jesus Christ, the hardest as well as the easiest times in life can be a blessing. The Savior has promised angels on our left and our right to bear us up. And He always keeps His word."
Circumstances will never make me betray my plan for happiness.
