And now I fit into that category. And I know every person over the age of 30 right now is rolling their eyes, about ready to punch me because I'm acting ridiculous. I'm sorry! It's just that 24 is practically 25 which is practically 30. I have a lot to do! I gotta get workin' on my goals. My mom will be 50 this year. I know, she looks like SHE could be 24. But I reassured her last night that 50 is the new 40. And I now dub 24 as the new 18. So lets start over...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEE! Omg you guys!!! I'm EIGHTEEN! UGH I know! Soon I'll be in my 20's not knowing WHAT to do! But good news...I can now VOTE! WOO!
Just let me dream.
Anyways, today was a first. They always say after you lose someone, the first holiday or big occasion is the hardest. It has been a tradition since as far back as I can remember, that my dad would take my mom and I out to a nice dinner for my birthday, just the 3 of us. It was my favorite day of the year. Because not matter what, I got my mommy and daddy to myself for one night. It was the best. We would have so much fun, laugh the whole time, take oodles of pictures and just enjoy each other's company. My dad and I didn't talk everyday. We talked a couple times a week, and the older I got, the closer we got. But it was normal for us to go a week or two without talking. So i guess it makes sense that I'm still in shock over everything that has happened. It was just like every other little while where dad and I were just busy with life.
Until today.
No birthday call from him. No cute daddy/daughter card with a check inside followed by a "I wish it was more..." explanation, followed by a "Daddy! Don't say that!" lecture. No candlelit dinner at Carver's with my mom and dad. No cheesy dad jokes at dinner, embarrassing me and mom. My dad didn't walk into the room all dressed up looking handsome as ever making my so proud to be his baby girl. No hilarious mom and dad play argument about who loved their baby girl more. No standard follow up call at home that night about how much fun he had with mom and I and how much he loves us.
Tonight was the first night where his lack of presence in our lives was real. It hit us like a ton of bricks. He is really gone. Half of me feels like I'm suffocating of overwhelming sadness, and half of me is sooo thankful the memories are so vivid and that I had that time with him.
At dinner, mom set a brown box with pink bow in front of me. She told me it was my birthday present from daddy. Inside, was his gold chain bracelet his twin brother made him, with my dad's name etched on it. Mom put it on me and we cried. It was beautiful. Then my aunt handed me a pink rose bouquet and told me they were pretty flowers from daddy.
In that moment he was there. Things are different now, this is our new reality. But NO sickness, NO hospital, NO grave can take away the fact that he is my dad. No one can ever take that away from me, or the love I will forever feel for him. Circumstances may change, but relationships stay the same. And we can breathe a sigh of relief because the first occasion is over now. We did it. Together we made it through. And that should be celebrated.
